5366 - Saturday jokes

I was at work the other day and an elderly gentleman approached me and asked if he could use the restroom. I led him down the hall to where the restroom was. He started to enter but stopped abruptly when he saw the sign on the door that read "All Gender Restroom". I asked, "Is something wrong sir?" He said, "I can't go in there. I don't have all the genders. I only have one."

An archeologist was looking sad so I asked if something was wrong. 

He said, "Yes, my work is in ruins".

Couple in bed trying to sleep...

Her thoughts: I bet he's thinking about other women.

His thoughts: Why is Batman one word, Iron man two words, and Spider-man two words with a dash?

I can't believe it's Omicron season already.

I still have my Delta decorations up.

Her: You spent our entire savings on dogs?!

Him: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us!

Co-worker: You look so unapproachable.

Me: Yet here you are.

Shipping problems have really hit the music industry. 

There are 100,000 Otis Redding albums just sittin’ on the dock of the bay.

I've been hiding from exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

Was in the store the other day & bought some Mike’s Hard Lemonade. When I showed my license the clerk barely glanced at it. I asked him if he’d really looked at it & he said, “Yes. The 1st 2 numbers on your date of birth started with 19 so I knew you were ok”.

Got carded at the liquor store today. My blockbuster card fell out of my wallet.

The cashier laughed and said, "Nevermind."

I need a day between every day to recover from the day before and prepare for the day coming up.

Nurse: What happened to your fingers?

Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?

Nurse: Yes?

Me: I can't do that.

Do you ever try to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so bystanders don't hear you fighting for your life?

Of all the things I learned in grade school, trying to avoid cooties was the last thing I expected to use.

One minute you're young and fun, and the next, you're turning down the radio in your car so you can see better.

The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.

Rand Paul ran to Biden for federal assistance faster than Ann Rand ran to her mailbox for her Social Security check.

My Roomba just beat me to an M&M I dropped on the floor.

I guess this is how the war against the machines will begin.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is what happens when the ventriloquist dies but the dummy keeps talking.

Stop thinking you're ugly.

You are, but stop thinking about it.

Therapist to husband: Do you feel dominated by your wife?

Wife: No, he doesn't.

Message from Santa: I've been watching you all year. 

You're not naughty, you're mentally disturbed.

A pastor was giving a children's sermon and asked: "Why do you think I wear this collar?

One kid answered: "Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?"

So what were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?

Mom: Son, what is IDK, ILY, ttyl?

Son: I don't know, I love you, talk to you later.

Mom: Okay, I'll ask your sister.

My wife said she wanted a Cook book for Christmas.

So I bought her the biography of a famous British explorer in the South Pacific.

If someone gives you a gift that you don't like, Just say, "I'll treasure it forever".

Then do what a pirate would do and bury it in the woods.

My doctor told me my sugar is too high.

So I moved the container to a lower shelf.

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I still don't know why she got so mad. It's hard to write on sand.

I debated a flat earther once.

He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

What is something that feels British but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

My fondest childhood memory was making sand castles with Grandma.

Until my mother hid the Urn.

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast.

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'.

How did the hacker escape from the police?

He ransomware.

I've told my suitcases that there will be no holiday next year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and also to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

I went into the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise.

He lifted me up and sat me on a cushion.

How does an undercover pilot fly?

In da skies.

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his copilot, "I'm gonna go take a dump then get a blowjob from that hot new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears this and starts to run towards the cockpit to tell the pilots the intercom is still on.

Old lady puts her arm out and stops her and says, "Relax sweetheart, he said he had to take a shit first!"

Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?

They cant.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal.

Condoms aren't 100% safe.

My buddy was wearing one when he got hit by a bus.

I think Christmas should be moved to January.

The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.

Doctor, I think I'm a hotel.

"I'll need to examine you".

"Be my guest".

What do premature ejaculators and hide and seek have in common?

Ready or not, here I come.

I have a girlfriend, she has a great personality.

She is always sorry when she is wrong.

Nah just kidding, the joke is in the first half of the first line.

A grim man enters an otolaryngologist's cabinet and whips out his penis and it's all bluish and visibly not okay. The doctor was shocked: "You're in the wrong office, you need to see the urologist!"

"No," says the man. "The thing is, me and my friends go to a sauna once a month."

"Ah, so then you'll need a dermatologist if it's caused by an STD" - interrupts the doctor.

"and we play this reaction game called "Oof!". We all whip out dicks and put them on a round table, music plays, and then suddenly one guy says "Oof!" and hits the table with a large frying pan, and the objective is to pull out your dick before the pan lands"

"Then you need a psychiatrist!"

"Will you let me finish?! YOU're the doctor I need, I don't hear the "Oof!"

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man.

What do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?

A measure-mint device.

I can't understand a single word of Stephen Hawkins's book "A Brief History of Time".

I guess I shouldn't have bought the audiobook.

I started a new job and was handed a book.

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager.

"Why call it a Bible?"

"Because it's written by man and it's full of errors".