5387 - Saturday jokes

How is it Saturday again already!

"Just cleared out some space in the freezer" sounds much more productive than "I just polished off another pint of ice cream".

A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin. I asked, how can you tell them apart? He said, her brother has a mustache!

After all this time of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown's teacher was saying.

This girl I used to go out with is still using my Netflix and that's cool. She's watching Scandal and is currently on S7E12. The series finale is S7E18. Guess who's changing the password as soon as she finishes episode 17? 

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven. Woman 1: “So, how did you die?” Woman 2: “I froze to death.” Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.” Woman 2: “It was, but after a while, you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?” Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So I rushed home early from work, but he was just playing video games. Then I ran into the bedroom to look for evidence, but I couldn’t find anything. So I ran to the bathroom to search, but I still couldn’t find anything. I even ran outside to the backyard, but I still couldn’t find anything there.” Woman 2: “So what happened to you?” Woman 1: “I was so exhausted from running around that I collapsed & died.” Woman 2: “Well if you had looked in the freezer first we’d both be alive right now.”

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterward, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?  

Neither will come if you're awake.

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says, "No, why the f**k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

A six-lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar. The door opens and a skinny useless-looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies, "You don't want to be near him when he's had a few drinks. He's a fucking cyclepath"

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?  

Because they know someone who locked their bike and it was still stolen.

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

"My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?""

"The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

My husband and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

"I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.""

I just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

When I was young I completely overestimated the possibility that I might one day face Godzilla or an alien attack and frankly, I’m disappointed.

I just paid for a 12 month gym membership.

My bank just called to see if my credit card was stolen.

When I was 16 I remember my momma giving me money to go and pay our power bill. But instead, I bought some raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told her when I got home and she beat TF out of my Ass. But the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We held each other as tears ran down our faces, especially me because it was the truck from the Power Company there to turn off the lights. She beat my ass again.

Some of my friends exercise every day.

Meanwhile, I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym.

Some days you eat ice cream and refuse to put on pants.

It's called balance.

Pros and cons of men:

Con: They're dicks

Pro: Their dicks

I asked my wife what women really want.

She said, attentive lovers.

Or maybe she said a tent of lovers.

I really wasn't listening.

My therapist: Why aren't you being honest with me?

Me: Because I don't want to be hospitalized.

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is a coo sticks.

The earth is 70% water and is uncarbonated.

OK?

So it's technically flat.

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.

We interviewed 1000 people that have played Russian roulette.

100% of them survived the game.

Conclusion... Russian roulette is completely safe to play.

Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was getting really annoyed. But I finally realized I had left my phone in airplane mode.

Driver: How dare you pull me over! Do you know who my father is?!

Cop: Nope, just like your mom, I have no idea.

Sometimes you have to roll down your window and bark at people to see what they'll do.

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my mother.

Wife: Why does it say, "Do not resuscitate?"

If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door. He's standing right behind you.