5422 - Saturday jokes

I paid my power bill.

Now I have a warm place to starve to death.

I can't be the only one that stays in their car until the neighbors go inside.

5 ants + 5 ants = tenants

Bringing ants to your country from another country = important

My wife just started measuring a wall in our house.

I don't know what she's up to but it's probably going to be expensive.

I didn't realize having a wife and daughters would involve owning so many blankets.

Me:

My wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: (stands up)

Wife: While you’re up...

Her: You told me you were interesting.

Him: I said I was into resting.

Him text: Hey babe... I'm in the hospital. I got my leg injured at work and Paula brought me here. Doctors say I might lose my leg.

Her: Who's Paula?!

Her: Honey, why do you hate my family and relatives?

Him: I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

I wasn't raised like everyone else.

My mother beat me!

She even killed me one time.

Her: You are gullible and financially irresponsible.

Him (in his head): (Wait till she hears I've won the Nigerian Lottery.)

Conversation I just had...

Me: Two thin mints, please.

Girl Scout: That'll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

Me (gentle): Um, that's not a saving.

Girl Scout (not so gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS!

...

Me: Four boxes would be great.

Not a single kid has died in a mass reading, yet they're banning books instead of guns.

Anything can be a UFO if you're bad at identifying stuff.

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?

Me: Bro, I'm straight up not having a good time.

A woman cut in front of me at the store with a box of tampons, ice cream, and wine in her cart. I wasn’t about to mess with that situation.

No one goes to Target because they need something. You go to Target and let Target tell you what you need.

If I complain about being out of shape I don’t actually want fitness tips and workouts to try. I just want to complain and remain out of shape. What is wrong with you people?!

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat because what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

I'm in a Wal-Mart parking lot watching a woman who can't remember where she parked.

Every time she holds her remote in the air, I honk my horn.

Men try to convince me that "guys" is a gender-neutral term. But when I ask them how many guys they've slept with, they take offense.

Do you remember in first grade when we were just sitting in class when somebody just threw up out of nowhere?

Nervous about flying? Don't be. As long as the 2 million parts of a plane work perfectly while traveling at close to the speed of sound, as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the earth, you'll be just fine.

Having too much sex can result in memory loss. I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2021 at 10:37AM.

It's not the way I look that reveals my age, it's my use of complete sentences when I text.

The first person to hear a parrot speak was probably not ok for several days.

Tucker Carlson says there's no proof that QAnon exists.

I can't wait to tell everyone at this week's Antifa meeting.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people

High school teacher: You'll learn that in college.

College instructor: You should have learned that in high school.

What does it mean if the holy water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Her: There's a guest toothbrush in the cabinet if you want to brush your teeth Dale.

Dale: It looks like it's been used.

Him: It's a guest toothbrush! You're not the only guest we've ever had Dale!

I was cutting some foamboard for a client.

Client: No no no! We need three right arrows and two left arrows! Not the other way around!

I flipped one left arrow to the right.

Client: How did you do that?

Client: I think my keyboard is broken.

Me: What makes you say that?

Client: Whenever I type my password, it just shows up as little black dots.

Client: Do you do lemonade?

Me: Do we... do lemonade?

Client: Yes, I was told you do that here.

Me: I'm sorry this is a print shop.

Client: I know that. I'm not an idiot.

If you can't lemonade these papers, then I'll go somewhere else.

Me: Do you mean... laminate?

Me: Can you send me that on DVD?

Client: Well, it's a 4.15 GB file, so I'll have to use two of them.

Me: One DVD should hold 4.7 GB. I think one DVD will be enough.

Client: Are you listening to me? It is 4.15 GB. 15 is more than 7. Idiot...

I was enjoying playing Legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google maps.