5429 - Saturday jokes

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them nor receive a thank you message!"

Ruby replies, "I too send them a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."

"Wow!, How come?” remarked Dolly

"Simple, I don't sign the check."

I'm in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart.

So if you're missing your kid, he's in the red LG dryer in aisle 17.

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He replied.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

"How can you tell them apart," she asked.

He said, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".

No one ever told us how much time we would spend pretending to look at random items in a grocery store aisle while waiting for someone to get TF out of the way.

Most people could care less that people say irregardless. This misuse should have been nipped in the butt long ago. Maybe they are  just escape goats for the broader problems of the decline of education, but even thoughI have been biting my time here, cringing at the next foe par while they get off scotch free, it's truly a mute point these days. Face it: it's a doggie dog world. I think I'll just go curl up in a feeble position. Ex cetera, ex cetera, ex cetera...

(joke on internet)

Mi papá tiene 47 años = my dad is 47 years old

Mi papa tiene 47 anos = my potato has 47 assholes

(checked out on google translate)

Mi papá tiene 47 años = my dad is 47 years old

My potato has 47 assholes = mi patata tiene 47 culos

She said, "I'm done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza."

Fauci says nausea and headaches are symptoms of talking to Rand Paul.

My friend asked me the other day if I've ever paid for sex.

I reminded him that I have children.

So yes, I've paid dearly for it.

Teacher: "Barron, where's your homework?"

Barron: "My dad flushed it down the toilet."

He gently slid her panties to one side...

So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.

My idea of a super bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person.

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

The most cutting thing you can say is "Who is this clown?"

It implies that a) they're a clown, and b) not even one of the better know clowns.

Scams are getting more sophisticated. Someone got this message the other day.

From Sanjeep Patel:

Hello I am the IRS you need to pay me $1500 in Walmart gift cards or you will be placed under the rest.

Being funny at work is a delicate balance of being just funny enough to entertain your coworkers but not so funny that you get sent to HR. (been told that l have to stop telling people to stand up so their brain can get some air...WHY???)

Trump Accuses His Ex-Accountants of Using Math.

Vegetarian is an old Indian word for 'bad hunter'.

Disturbed by the Super Bowl halftime show?

You may be entitled to compensation.

Call Dewey, Cheatum, and How.

I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle. I parked and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru. 

I'm not mean. I'm just too old to pretend I like you.

Husband: Dear, why are you trying to reach the ceiling with your legs?

Wife: You don't understand these things, Carl. It's Yoga and this is a position called the candle.

Husband: And does the fact that you just farted have anything to do with it?

Wife: It's a scented candle. Now go away!

Them: "You look better without your glasses."

Me: "Thanks, you look better without my glasses too".

(This sounds like fun except for the 6 in the morning.)

I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 in the morning and drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

The reason Latin is a dead language is that it keeps accidentally summing up demons during regular conversations.

"Are you dating anyone?" the assistant asked me. 

"Yes, obviously," I said with irritation as I analyzed the remaining radioactive carbon in the ancient corpse I was working on.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he was stupid.

As I drove into the cemetery I was going to visit, the GPS blurted out, "You have reached your final destination".

I used to set my alarm extra early to make sure that I had enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to get up early. I don't have to do that anymore.

"You knew what you were getting into when you had children".

Did I?! Did I know that I'd be arguing with a 4yo that we don't lick people's feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

My life is just a series of WTF moments separated by snacks.

I think I liked it better when freedom meant personal liberty, rather than aggressive, ill-informed selfishness.

Sign on door: Painless Dentist.

Kid with chalk: Liar!

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of lasagna.

Have we checked all food to see if making it explode makes it into something better? Or did we just stop with popcorn?

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

My son got a mylar balloon on Valentine's day. He accidentally let it go and it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, "Be patient, it will come down", but he didn't believe me. "If it comes down I get an iPad!" he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

What doesn't kill you mutates and trys again.

I just want to know why my clothes only get stuck on the door handle when I'm in a bad mood.

If a she shed is also a bitch barn, does that make a man cave an ass hole?

I wish Facebook would let you laugh at a friend request.

Recently seen on Twitter...

Girls love when you give them your sweater and it smells like your colon.

(follow up comments)

When his colon smells so good and he leaves the scent on you.

I love smelling my mans colon.

I miss my husband when he is at work... love to smell his colon when he gets home.

When you can still smell his colon from last night on your pillow.

Sometimes I spray my boyfriends colon on my clothes.

I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something.

I'd better save in the junk drawer until I die.