5465 - Saturday jokes

When you ask someone how old their child is and they answer in months...

"Thanks for the math homework!"

I ran out of gas today. I called my insurance for roadside assistance and they totaled my car.

I watch so many crime shows, when I turn off the TV, I wipe my fingerprints off the remote.

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. 

At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

Mick says,"What the Heck happened to you?"

Paddy replies, "I went home for my pajamas."

You have to wonder what your Primary Care Physician thinks about how healthy you are when the clipboard he uses to document your visit was donated from a local hospice.

I think they should reinvent those candied necklaces of days of old but instead of candy let it be decorated with ibuprofen and tums!

I was asked if I would punch one of my siblings for $1000.00.

I'm like are kidding me?

I'd do it for a Klondike Bar!

WW These aren't Weight Watcher pills. You've been reading them upside down.

Dad:(yelling from upstairs) "What color socks go best with brown sandals?"

Entire family downstairs: "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

I went to the store to get something for my wife but they didn't have the right kind. 

So I had to decide if coming back with the wrong thing was better than coming back with nothing at all.

So I decided not to come back at all. Seemed safer.

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks and shoes, he STILL has bear feet.

Homeless person's sign at intersection...

Wife and dog kidnapped by ninjas.

Need money for karate lessons.

I really want my dog back.

I named my new pet llama Dolly.

I never understood why so many people call water heaters "hot water heaters." 

There's no need to heat hot water.

Dog: Hi! My name is StopThat! But sometimes they call me GetBackHere!

I haven't gotten anything done today.

I've been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

My day is usually backward.

I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

Walmart... You go in for cookies and come out questioning the fate of the human race.

Hi Susan, it's Gary from the gym. I just wanted to follow up with you after your free trial to see what you need to get you going on your fitness goals.

Hi Gary, I've decided to stay fat. Thank you.

Seeking one night stand.

Could use two because I have two lamps.

Is it OK to pull the bag of wine out of the box and stab a straw in it like it's a giant adult Capri Sun? Asking for a friend.

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

Had them tested and one came back positive.

Hope it's not terminal.

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of squats are you accustomed to doing?"

I said, "Diddly."

My kid woke me up at 3AM so I immediately called my mom to ask when they would grow out of this.

You look better without your glasses.

Thanks, you look better without my glasses too.

I hate when people say it's a quarter till 9.

Just say it's 8:75!

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently.

I have new ideas.

If you can't fix it with duct tape, then you're not using enough duct tape.

If someone made an eight-hour movie no one would watch it because it would be too long.

Take that same movie and break it into eight episodes and people binge right through it.

My right hand: I shall carry 30 bags of groceries at once.

My left hand: I got the bread.

Landlord: I'm putting you in apartment 2B. Any questions?

Hamlet: Not anymore.

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. 

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. 

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. 

He took her to the police station where she was placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. 

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. 

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 of craft supplies?

If you see me talking to myself just move along.

I'm self-employed and I'm having a staff meeting.

Extroverts: I haven't left the house in 3 days.

Introverts: You gotta bump that number up. That's a rookie number.

Some things are better left alone.

Like me for instance.

I'm just telling you that every time I go to Dairy Queen, I always, without a doubt, get the shakes.

Just bought a personalized license plate... BAA BAA.

For my black jeep.

Museums… the place where my soul finds peace while also awakening the chaotic happiness of feeding my collectibles addiction.