5479 - Saturday jokes

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? Because it’s too cold to wash them out tide.

My mom says I get excited over the dumbest things.

To put a sparkle in my eye I shine a flashlight in my ear.

What do you call a bear with no "ears"? "B"

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What computer knows how to sing?       

Adell

Spring is here! 

I got so excited I wet my plants.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m completely disMayed.

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

Grammar walks into a bar...

- The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

- A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

- An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

- A question mark walks into a bar?

- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

- A synonym strolls into a tavern.

- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

- An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

- A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

I can't stand honors college kids. I asked this girl, "Hey, why aren't koalas considered bears?" 

She hits me with, "They're marsupials".

Shut up nerd! The answer to the joke is, "They don't have the koalafications."

The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history.

Angus is driving down the country road from town to his farm and he passes Ole's farm.  There's a sign in the front yard:

"Boat Fer Sale"

Angus pulls his pickup into the driveway and drives up to the farmhouse where Ole's working in the yard.  What's this about a boat fer sale, Ole?  You ain't even got a boat!  All you got is that old broken down combine and dat ancient old John Deere!  "Yep", says Ole.  And der boat fer sale!

Give a man a loaf of bread and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to make a loaf of bread, and pretty soon he'll figure out he can make donuts out of that dough instead.

When medication says "do not operate heavy machinery" they're probably talking about cars. But my mind always goes to forklifts.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet.

Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped," 

"No way," said Superman, "I’m not going near the crypttonight."

Russian oligarchs' superyachts should become housing for Ukrainian refugees.

I took my wife to that new fancy restaurant in town.

As soon as the food was served I told her to let's eat!

She stopped me and said that I always pray before you eat at home.

I said I know dear, but here I think the chef knows how to cook.

Her: Would you like to have children one day?

Him: OK, but no longer than that.

Do you talk to yourself in public and then look around, just to make sure, that no one is listening.

Received a package. The label said, "Your requested results from micro-penis.org are enclosed".

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was going on, I would be like, why am I always getting all these nickels.

Trump Offers to Help Russia File for Bankruptcy.

There's no way I was born to just pay bills and die.

Well, if you don't do part one, part two will come a lot sooner.

Introvert: I want to be alone with someone else that wants to be alone.

Last night, the storm blew away 25 percent of the roof... oof.

A Texas educator once given the title of her district’s “Teacher of the Year” has been accused of giving a student oral sex in the classroom.

She was voted teacher of the year by the students.

Guy1: Today's word is "largesse".

Guy2: That's the letter on Superman's shirt!

Guy1: You're so close. It's actually the reason you can't get into your pants.

Did you ever think about the fact that people who are 5ft are only 5 subway sandwiches tall?

When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smiths' wife, Will Smith will slap himself.

My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head into the computer keyboard, but I think she's jokeinjdoirnvjaashfu559afn46lkjgf8yf y ne9ceje9jrhfrq;jf4j039ufvafloijgf0wejtgf

I've found that if you tuck one of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

If you can't pee off the porch, your neighbors are too close.

Dating: I can't wait to see you again.

Marriage: Part of your knee was on my side of the bed again!

Wore my husbands' shoes outside and now I can’t stop grilling things and checking my weather app.

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

Two drunk men visit a brothel...

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: "Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice."

After finishing their act, on their way back...

1st drunk: "I think my girl was dead. She never made a noise or made a move."

The 2nd drunk says: "Mine was worse. I think she was a witch!"

1st drunk: "Why would you say that?"

2nd drunk: "Well I gave her a little love bite on her ass. She farted in my face and flew out of the window."

Sign in a doctor's waiting room...

If you die while waiting to see the doctor, please cancel your appointment.

They say "woke" because it sounds much more insulting than "enlightened".

Besides that, they can't spell enlightened.

Dear Amazon,

I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. No matter how temptingly you email me, I'm not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I'll treat myself.