5501 - Saturday Jokes

He commented on my post.

She replied to his comment.

The guy replied again.

She replied back to him.

They were about to fall in love on my post.

I deleted the post.

I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night. After five glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

The tiredness on the couch never translates to the bed and I demand to know why!

I've got a joke for you.

 OK

Knock knock.

 Come in.

"Never odd or even" spelled backward is still "never odd or even".

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

The teacher asked me to tell the class something I'm not very good at that begins with the letter N.

I said, "Spelling".

I was waiting for my daughter at school when another parent asked what year my daughter was in.

I said, "2022".

I lost my job as a zookeeper which I really didn't think was fair.

I mean, there were signs everywhere that said 'do not feed the animals'.

I remember one time when my watch stopped halfway through a minute of silence.

I stood there for hours. I couldn't tell anybody.

Last year I bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas as a stocking filler.

I saw a sign that said "Family Fun Day".

I thought there's three words that don't belong together.

I went to see my doctor and he asked me to provide a stool sample.

So I signed up for a woodworking class.

He looked concerned when I told him it would take me a couple of months to produce.

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

"As a knight," the king said, "it is your duty to kill dragons."

"Very well, my liege," the knight said. "May I ask why?"

"Because they hoard wealth without sharing, and people live in fear of their capricious moods."

"Very well, my liege," the knight said as he drew his sword.

You're the most beautiful girl I have ever met.

  You just want sex.

Smart too.

My high school was so small we had sex education and driver's education in the same car.

I recently got a call from the IRS.  They claimed I didn't make payments for my 2020 taxes.  They indicated I need to pay immediately by a credit card, by phone RIGHT NOW.  If I didn't, they said they'd come by to arrest me.

I didn't believe them, but I did check my caller ID, and it did say Internal Revenue Service.

I really hoped they come by to arrest me.  I understand they take away all my possession, and I have to eat their food.

That's great.  I couldn't afford my house payment.  I couldn't afford my car payment.  I could barely afford my food.

Please come and get me.

I'm a school teacher and if I actually could indoctrinate your children, they would wear deodorant and stay off their phones during class.

Whoever snuck the S in fast food was a clever little bastard.

Scuba stands for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. A tuba is Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of an 18th-floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

Alexa... Why are people today so dependent on technology?

Was going to tell a pun about grits, but it’s corny.

Hominy puns about grits do you know?

Please refrain from making music puns.

I’m confused. How come 33 is thirty-three, 22 is twenty-two, but 11 is not oney-one?

Son, one day you'll be a man.

  But Dad, I'm already 36.

But the Autozone guy had to change your wiper blades.

I pulled an "all-nighter" last night.

I didn't have to get up and go to the bathroom even once.

I once knew a woman who backed into a spinning airplane propeller. 

Disaster!

Did you ever hear about the lens grinder that fell into his machine?

He made a spectacle out of himself.

People don't want to hear your opinion.

They want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth.

Mr. Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.

However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.