5529 - Saturday jokes

I heard Bob taught his bird to talk dirty.

  So what.

Well, he was arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a Myna.

Defense Attorney: Well, sir, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgment.

Police Officer: Thank you, and if I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

Personal Injury Attorney: Now, Mrs. Marsh, your complaint alleges that you have had problems with concentration since the accident. Does that condition continue today?

Personal Injury Plaintiff: No, not really. I take some stool softener now.

Boss: We need two weeks' notice.

Me: Well, you'll notice when I'm not here.

If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor then Who is.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling the building.

This is incredibly stressful because there's just no way I'm going to get away with it twice.

Why can't republicans just use thoughts and prayers to stop abortions from happening like they do for kids getting killed in schools?

Interview at an IT company...

"So, what makes you suitable for this job?"

"I hacked your system and invited myself for this interview."

Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.

Ironing! Ironing was invented to kill fleas in clothing. I don't have fleas. I don't iron.

The fun thing about being an old person is that if somebody startles me, I clutch my chest, begin gasping and drop to the ground. The look on their face as the color drains from it is priceless!

When my wife and I took my grandson to Rome several years ago, I thought it quite ironic that any tourist professing to be a Christian would wait hours in line to get into the Coliseum.

In the days of ancient Rome, standing in line to enter the Coliseum was the last thing a Christian wanted to do.

There is a key difference between all locks on earth!

Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable. But at some point, I will have to tell my daughter that we don't put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti.

The wife just called to tell me 3 women in her office received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why."

As kids... "Is that the ice cream truck!"

As adults... "Is that the Amazon truck!"

I heard 2 guys talking about their wives today!

One said that his wife was an angel.

The second one said, "Your lucky mine's still alive!"

Did you know that ”emas eht yltcaxe“ spelled backward is exactly the same?

Me: Should we start drinking now so we have a nice buzz when we get there?

Wife: We're going to Walmart!

Wife: Our new neighbors are so in love. He kisses her, strokes her hair, and hugs her. Why don't you do that?

Husband: Because I don't know her that well yet.

Apple has said that although its profits are down, its turnover is still good.

I threw my back out sleeping.

I tweaked my neck sneezing.

I'm just one fart away from total paralysis.

I was drinking some club soda this morning and spilled some on my shirt. 

I “Googled” how to get out a club soda stain and found out you are supposed to use club soda. 

So, now I have two club soda stains on my shirt.

Does anyone know if you need a current license, to drive an electric car?

(If you don't have a current license, you could be charged.)

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I’m not showing any symptoms of monkeypox - I must be achimptomatic.

What doesn't kill you mutates and tries again.

Stop texting my girlfriend!

Chill bro. She's dating both of us. You're my boyfriend-in-law.

I only buy junk food from the grocery store when it is on sale two-for-one.

I figure if I'm going to kill myself with food that is bad for me that I am going to do it as inexpensively as possible.

Many = the number of turns I miss because my GPS overestimates my ability to comprehend 600 feet.

Childproof your house all you want.

They still get in.

Someone just emailed me in a professional email that ended with "We could've snipped it in the butt earlier".

*

SNIPPED

IT

IN

THE

BUTT

*

Nipped it in the bud - correct

Nipped it in the butt - incorrect

Snipped it in the butt - incorrecter

When God was handing out the “fight or flee” instinct, the cat foolhardily requested a double-portion of the flee gene. 

This is actually good for pet owners, as we never have to worry about our household pets rising up against us. 

If they ever banded together to rebel, all we would have to do is drag out the vacuum cleaner and they would surrender immediately.

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her closet and finding a nurse's outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform; I decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me. 

(I'll take her!!!!)

Life: A sexually transmitted disease that always results in death. There is no known cure.

I just remember thinking, "Oh she's mad mad mad".

"Then I woke up here with you Jesus."

The U.S. uses a different electrical system than the U.K. This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

I get so lonely at night......

"I've shaved one leg so it feels like there's a woman in bed with me".

When I went outside I felt something cold and wet on my arm. 

I looked down and saw a mosquito using a wet wipe getting ready to bite me.

My new doormat finally arrived.

It says "There is no reason for you to be here".

The average American male has sex 2 to 3 times a week. 

The average Japanese male has sex 2 to 3 times a YEAR! 

I did not know I was Japanese!

I just put $20 of gas in my car.

The gas gauge went from a lower case e to an upper case E.

Congratulations if you had monkeypox on your 2022 disaster bingo card.