5543 - Saturday jokes

If I had a tap dancer living upstairs from me I would put big powerful magnets on the ceiling.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

I've been diagnosed with OCD. Old, Cranky, and Dangerous.

In alcohol's defense, I've done most of my dumb stuff when completely sober.

Are you looking for love, or are you looking for someone to share the heavy burden of capitalism with you?

I think that rather than learning to speak another language, people should learn to shut up in the one they already know.

The word verb is a noun. (verified)

Five ants just moved into an apartment with five other ants. Now they are tenants together.

I see a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. So I honk and wave. Driver gives me the finger.

It amazes me how exercise and extra fries sound alike.

My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets his Snickers in a Twix.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around playing computer games is not a good thing?” I asked.

Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

Study tip for college students:

Laminate your notes so the tears roll off.

Having a teenager is like like in a haunted house.

Every now and then you'll see a figure out of the corner of your eye,

followed by a moaning sound and a door slamming shut.

Satan: Welcome to hell, what did you do?

Man: I would break into people's homes but I didn't rob them. I would just leave Legos on the floor.

Satan: !!!!!!

New extreme sport... Beating the GPS time.

A doctor amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a breath mint.

It was a tic tac toe.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you still have clothes in the dryer.

When we were kids, we went to Christian school and they were convinced Harry Potter was a ploy from the devil to get the kids into witchcraft. It was actually a ploy to get kids reading which is far more dangerous to Christianity. 

Us: Dinosaurs lived hundreds of million years ago.

Them: How could that be? The earth is only 6000 years old.

Us: Well, they lived in the sea, not on the earth.

A minnow swims by...

Guy: Hey, did you see the minnow fin?

Guy2: Acetaminophen.

Working at an unemployment office has to be a tense job,

knowing if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Her: Don't break people's hearts, they only have one.

Him: Yeah, break their bones. They have 206.

Her: Get the hell off my post!

Just got thrown out of a Vegan restaurant for asking if they serve steak fries.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window

I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.

I’ve started a Boat Building business in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

If there's watermelon, shouldn't there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon? The elemelons.

Can anyone suggest a good brand of dryer?

Mine has been acting up for a while and shrinking my pants, mostly in the waist area.

As a Senior I say, "I've never met a bathroom I didn't use."

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Alison painted her nails red and Bob had a beard.

I told a joke at work that was so funny, that HR wanted to hear it.

I'm not interested in a career. I'm just looking for the least annoying way to afford food and shelter.

Some people just drain the nice right out of you.

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology.

Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.