5557 - Saturday jokes

People on House Hunters are always saying that they need a room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit.

I need a moat filled with gators.

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see the electric bill I'm scared of the lights.

Which of the states has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda.

Lord, whatever you're baking outside, it's done.

The more you learn the more you realize you didn't know as much as you thought before you learned what you didn't realize you didn't know.

Some people can’t stand reading unfinished sentences. It's all because a part of the brain called

If you used an elephant to load the base of a tree, placed within a hinged box, into the back of your automobile.

Then you had a trunk put a trunk in a trunk in your trunk.

When you’re cremated at some stage you are perfectly cooked.

Trampolines used to be called Jumpolines until your mom jumped on one.

The pool on the titanic is still full.

I've suddenly put some extra weight on.

It happened by snaccident.

My wife asked me if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

I heard my neighbor talking on the phone saying he's having a bad day.

So I sent him a free meat lovers pizza.

He's a vegan and I can't stand him!

What are khakis?

They're what you need to start a car in Boston.

URGENT WARNING: If you see a post offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK!!! The link goes directly to free clips of Bieber's new album.

Him: Rachel and I are no longer dating.

Her: That's a horrible way of telling people we're married!

I learn from the mistakes of people that took my advice.

We booked a table at a restaurant called the Manhatten project.

The portions are so big they turn a little boy into a fat man.

If her bra matches her panties when you take her clothes off,

it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

I'm reading a horror book in Braille and something bad is going to happen... I can feel it.

I brought my new girlfriend home to meet the family!

The kids really liked her.

My wife was not impressed though!

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

Someone recently told me I was the smartest person they knew. I told them they needed to expand their circle of friends.

What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be so much more stupid than I am.

After my wife died suddenly, I couldn't even look at a woman for at least 10 years.

But now that I'm out of prison, they still look beautiful to me!

I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Poor guy is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off.

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he's afraid to take a pee.

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good, but I have to get out of here because she’s reloading.

I was flying a kite and this guy asks me, "So, you're flying a kite"?

I said, "Nope, fishing for birds".

If you are buying smart water for 5 dollars a bottle and then bitching about gas prices you are a special kind of stupid.

Do you know that when a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck!

It's supposed to be close to 100 degrees today.

Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11:00am and November 2nd.

Asking the waitress: How do you prepare the chicken?

Waitress: We just tell them straight out they're gonna die.

Him: I AM NOT OLD!

Me: When you were born the dead sea was just sick!

I never thought I would get up at 6 am to go to the gym!

And I was right!

OH NO!

She texted you asking if you thought she was fat.

You texted back NOO and it autocorrected to MOO!

Rocky mountain oysters.

The original sack lunch.

The fact that my body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

A man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so beautiful and so stupid all at the same time."

The wife says, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

I can't even imagine the self-control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

I'm reading this great book to help me get over my fear of skydiving; it's by Hugo Furst.

Do you know the correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies?

Compost.