5564 - Saturday jokes

I’m so angry right now! They’re showing two Lebanese kissing in a children's movie.

Last night my son asked if I'd ever heard of a pillow fight.

I said I had not so he explained the premise and asked if I would like to play.

I awkwardly held a pillow as he gave me pointers through a smile that lit up the room.

My first swing took him off his feet. He never saw it coming.

I love my husband. But what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.

My grandfather had a radio and he had 9 kids. 

My dad had a TV and he had 3 kids. 

I have the Internet and I guess the family ends here.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle sir.

Me: It's 99 degrees out there. You get in and tell me the problem.

If you ever get ghosted by someone, give me their number. I'll call them and tell them we just found your body and they were the last person to see them alive and they need to come down to the station to answer some questions.

I was in a friend's garage with him, it was warm in there, he had 3 fans on. I told him that fans actually raise the room temperature. He would not believe me. He said it was fan fiction.

Being 20 in the seventies was a lot more fun than being 70 in the twenties.

It's interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. 

I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn't think the situation was this dire.

An 8-year-old boy was sceaming at the grocery store because his mother wouldn't buy him a chocolate bar.

So I bought one and ate it in front of him.

Who was the first person to look inside an oyster and think, "Hmm, that big piece of snot looks delicious!"

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad, and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.

As a kid, I used to watch Wizard of Oz and wondered how someone could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

I hate hotel pillows. They're so thick and fluffy that I can barely zip up my bag.

Education is important but good ice cream is importanter. (truth)

I'm older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn't google things. We had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshit.

Praying on your own is practicing your faith.

Praying on the 50-yard line in front of an audience is marketing.

It's sad when you try your hardest not to be a fucker,

but everyone you deal with is a fucker,

so you end up being a bigger fucker just to out fuck the fuckers.

Bats now use the term, "trumpshit crazy".

The medical advancement I’m most looking forward to is not having to hand fill out the same 35 forms every time I see the doctor.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately, I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

[At the Doctor's office] <frantically peeling off nail polish> Okay, weigh me again.

“Please arrive to your doctor's appointment 15 minutes early so our secretary can explain why we’re running 45 minutes late.”

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your May 5th physical, the next available is June 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free May 5th.

Doctor: How often do you exercise?

Me: 3 times.

Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I've given you my answer.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took his own blood pressure.

Dating: I can't believe we have so much in common!

Marriage: Please don't watch your stuff under my Netflix profile!

A 72-hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.

The problem with 10:30PM is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30AM if you're not careful.

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she's about to open.

***(These are from a video of a daughter telling jokes to her parents.)

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball.

GACK!

How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman all have in common?

A guy who didn't take it out in time.

Why was the young bride so quiet on her wedding day?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full.

Why are women called chicks?

Because they produce eggs... and they love cocks. (most women)

What do you do when your cat's dead?

You play with your neighbor's pussy instead.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Someone put the wrong sock on this morning.

What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina?

When you take your meat out of the fridge it doesn't fart.

What do a toilet, an anniversary, and a clit all have in common?

Men normally miss all three.

What's white and 14 inches long?

Nothing.

What's black and long?

The line at Popeyes.

Did you hear about the blackout last night?

Don't worry, we got him.

***(Daughter jokes done.)

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town.”

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

"No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if  you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment...then says, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out."

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather!

"And you think you have family problems!"

On Monday we start diarrhea awareness week.

Runs until Friday.

In the old west, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for nighttime travel. It was thought to be the first generation of “saddle light navigation”

Them: This is the worst decision the Supreme Court has ever made.

Me: It's the worst decision they've made so far.