5606 - Saturday jokes

Good morning to everyone who doesn’t have stolen nuclear secrets in their homes.

When I was young I dated an Army Sergeant named Tina.

I found out I had a serious illness, told her, and she began to weep.

I said, "Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina."

A friend just shared a line from a student paper, "Despite being made in the late 1900s, many of the themes of The Matrix are still relevant today". I can literally feel my body decaying in the grave.

This just in!!

Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce Jenner fondled her for decades.

When you look at a meme and think, "I can't post this... But I know who I can send it to!" (ME!)

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.”  And then they asked me, “Have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you.

Why the hell did you tell your father that BDSM stands for Burgers, Drinks, and Salsa Music?!

He just invited the neighbors over tonight for a BDSM party!

Welcome to old age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you're still alive.

Tell Beth Merry Christmas for us.

   Nope, remember she's a Jehovah's witness.

Oh yea, I forgot. Tell her we said knock knock then.

Horrible experience in Paris recently.

Someone beat me up, threw me in a pitch dark boulangerie, and locked me up for the night.

I've never felt so much pain in all my life.

... Now, I'll save you from looking this up like I had to...

Boulangerie is a bread bakery in French. Pain is the French word for bread.

My problem is I'm about 10% stud and 90% muffin.

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it.

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.

Stalking:

When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

Me: Kicking stirrups - "Go on now, git!"

Gynecologist: "Stop that!"

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

She turned the page of the book and suddenly felt a cold dread touch her spine.

She quickly turned the page back and waited for the feeling to dissipate.

It didn't take long.

Sorry, she muttered.

The ghost that haunted her house didn't always read as fast as she did.

I like winter

Spring is nice

Let's skip summer

Do fall twice.

Your daily reminder; Fascism is much worse than inflation.

Ronald Reagan emptied out the mental hospitals, Donald Trump hired them.

Captain hook bought his hook from a second-hand store.

A monk who claims he just saw the face of Jesus in his margarine tub said, "I can't believe it's not Budda".

The greatest difference between a man and a woman is the meaning of: "What an ass."

Early last night I was in a store and had to use the restroom. I stayed there until they closed. The sign said, "Employees must wash hands." No one came.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon.

I suddenly thought I'm sure that wouldn't have happened if it was a Donut.

When a woman says correct me if I'm wrong,

do not under any circumstances do it.

Tonight we're having himalayan rabbit stew.

We found himalayan in the road.

One cat to another...

Of course you can come home with me,

my human is still single.

Every cat is welcome.

My husband and I were at a wishing well.

I threw a coin in and then he fell in.

They really do work!

Soylent Green took place in 2022.

Just a heads up.

Him: For the last 30 years all you've done is find mistakes in anything I say.

Her: 31 years.

I'm addicted to buying old Beatles records.

   Sounds like you need help.

No, I already have that one.

Two womens panties talking...

-hey, the coolest thing for me is when my mistress goes to the movies, she wears a miniskirt and I can see the movie too! 

- yea?... how good for you... mine, when she goes to the movies, she puts me in her purse.

I've decided I'm not old...

I'm 25 plus shipping and handling!

At the alter...

You're supposed to say 'I do', not 'I'll try'.

As long as Walmart has self-checkout I'm going to keep taping a pack of Kool-Aid to the bottom of the steak and scan it.

US Conservatives: We will fight for the unborn child.

US Conservatives after child is born: Go now and die in what way seems best to you.

He asked why the house isn't clean since I'm home all day.

I asked why we aren't rich since he works all day.

Seagulls are found near the sea because if they were near the bay, they would be baygulls.

For Halloween, we dress up as skeletons. The rest of the year our skeletons dress up as us.

Is it true, that if we build over 5 million large wind turbines, and if they all spin at the same time, the earth will be blown off its axis and off into outer space?

I just read that Kieth Richards grandchildren put him in their will.

Water shortage everywhere but beer in stock.

Problem solved!

Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and atart lying around the house.

Old age is like an old house.

The plumbing leaks,

the wiring is shot,

and half the shingles are missing.

My four moods...

I need a drink.

I need a nap.

I need a vacation. (a longer nap)

I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

So what's your favorite color?

   Stop asking me stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.

How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8 ml of sulphuric acid at STP?

   My favorite color is purple.

Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I've ever lived in.

And then Beer said, "Put that on Facebook, it's hilarious!"

But Beer was wrong. So very wrong.

Did you know that diet stands for: Did I Eat That?

The Son asked, "Mum, when was the first time you fell in love?"

Mom said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw him."

He said, "So what happened?" 

Mom said, "Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your fecking Father."