5613 - Saturday jokes

I asked my 11yo to help me write my vacation 'out of office' email message.

Her suggestion, "I'm on vacation, your email will be deleted."

Someone born in 2020 will see the year 3000 when they're 80. Right?

Primenesia - When you order so much stuff from Amazon that you don't know what's in the box.

Why do men knell while proposing?

They're talking to your pussy, not to you.

Jehovah's Witnesses seemed a little shocked when I asked if they were here for the orgy.

I don't understand those couples who have a fight 

and immediately change their status to "single".

My parents have passed away several years ago  

and you don't see me changing my status to "orphan".

Somebody said they're going to park a chicken food truck next to chic fila only on Sundays and call it "side chic".

At a recent interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I would give it a try but I knew 'We Are The Champions' better.

A woman can do anything a man can do!!!

   Try pissing on a campfire!

... I remember a woman called Hot Lips. Is that how she got her name?

Tonight has been amazing, we should have dinner again.

Thanks, but I'm full.

There are 70 ways to keep men happy.

One is alcohol.

The other is 69.

If I have to open a box and add water,

it's homemade.

My ancestors navigated the ocean using the stars and I'm over here missing my exits with GPS.

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced; that's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.

Just saw Elvis at the hardware store...

Returned a sander!

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, it’s going to be a massive change for me.

I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.

So I set up my new Alexa to respond to "computer".

I didn't think about it until I turned on Star Trek, and halfway through the episode, my house fired a spread of photon torpedoes into our neighbor's garage.

Sorry about your truck Kevin.

Brain: Hey what are you doing?

Me: Nothing, just relaxing.

Brain: Would you like to think about all your failures?

Me: What, NO!

Brain: And away we go!

Imagine having braces during the apocalypse and no one can take them off. 

You'll just have to accept that you'll have braces forever.

Day 284 without sex.

Went jogging in flip-flops just to remember the sound.

I've just won a medal in the suntanning Olympics.

I won bronze.

They say a large group of Karens is called a homeowners association.

A penny found is worth more than a penny earned because a penny earned is taxed.

Have you ever taken your glasses off at night and thought damn, natural selection would've taken my ass a long time ago if it weren't for optometry.

Cyclists repeatedly fail Captcha tests after failing to identify images with traffic lights.

It must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

I have long said, dragging a body into the woods erases your footprints. Burying the body and planting endangered plants on top will keep it from being dug up. Follow me for more tips.

Replacing RBG with Amy Coney-Barrett is like if your server said, "We don't have Coke, is urine OK?"

My best friend stole my wife.

I need to send him a thank you card.

My biggest fear is that when I die my husband will sell my purses for what I told him they cost.

One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you.

It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is.

Spraying your pan with a little olive oil cooking spray makes the kale slide right out of the pan and into the garbage.

I thought I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slow in the left lane would suggest otherwise.

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience clapped when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised as Australians normally boo meringue.