5662 - Saturday jokes

You enter a tennis court. There's a woman standing in the middle of the court. What's her name?

Annette.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a shovel, duct tape, rope, and a tarp and no one questions your motive.

I just heard a British person calls Oreos "chocolate sandwich biscuits" and no I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

From tips to be a better conversationalist...

Lesson 10: Ask people questions that give people an opportunity to talk about themselves.

Example: What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't want to brag or anything,

But I'm way more inappropriate in real life.

I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee no one has heard them.

Whose skull is that?

 His name was Phillip.

What's in there?

 Vodka and orange juice. It's a Phillip's head screwdriver.

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. 

The librarian says, "This is a library." 

The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

A train was traveling across the country. After a while, the first engine broke down. The driver continued at half-power, but then the other engine failed and the train came to a standstill. Speaking over the intercom, the driver told the passengers: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed and we will be stuck here. The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of an airplane.”

Just so you know, nothing accidentally goes in your butt.

Sincerely,

  The ER Staff

It's finally October! That means all the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

My niece calls me Ankle.

I call her knees.

Ours is a joint family.

Her: How come you never say that you love me anymore?

Him: I told you once. If anything changes I'll let you know.

Wife: I'm not talking to you.

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?

Husband: Nope, I respect and trust your decision.

When I see ads on TV with smiling happy housewives using a product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave... I'd say I'm having a very good day!

You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.

A good mood is like a balloon.

All it takes is one little prick to ruin it.

We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

I'm proud to announce I've completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.

Always remember, it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

I went for a run but came back two minutes later because I forgot something.

I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than two minutes.

(Two minutes? Braggart!)

I hate when people ask me what I did yesterday.

I don't know, I breathed a lot.

Probably got mad at something.

Sighed heavily.

The list goes on.

Doctors next to patient sleeping in a hospital bed...

"Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight so they could change the locks."

Realized I had to use the bathroom.

Got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

Couldn't remember why I was in the pantry.

Remembered I had to use the bathroom.

Walked across the house to the bathroom.

Sitting on the throne remembered why I went to the pantry... Toilet paper.

I need a day between every day to recover from the day before and prepare for the next day.

That moment when you look around at all the stuff that needs to be done and feel so overwhelmed that you lay down and take a nap.

Me: I'm selling my car.

Friend: How much?

Me: All of it.

Walmart is Darwin's waiting room.

A true post from Neighbors: A lady at Walmart approached my adult daughter and started asking questions. My daughter started to tell her she was not an employee. Then my daughter noticed she was not wearing any pants! My daughter told her she would have to go to customer service then quickly walked away.

Comment on post: I’m confused, do you have to wear pants to Walmart?

I started watching a documentary on infinity. This thing is going on forever!

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was the favorite twin.

For those of us having trouble completing things - "Can't there be a Black Belt in partial arts".

I read a study a while back concerning food.

As it turns out, red meat really isn't bad for you.

It's fuzzy green meat that's bad for you.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better looking than those who don't; according to a study I made up.

Doctor: And because it's October, you have the choice of a regular colonoscopy or pumpkin spice!

My genie granted me one wish. I said I just want to be happy.

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

I ate all the cheese yesterday.

Today it's raining.

Ain't no sunshine when cheese gone.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CICIOJqEb5c)

Some days you eat salads and take a brisk walk.

Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants.

It's called balance.

I have a mind full of useless information and I'm not afraid to use it.

Cat: Hey, the neighbors just got a new refrigerator.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT BOX!!

Me: This show is boring.

Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference. 

You're never too old to say something inappropriate.