5669 - Saturday jokes

Do you know why they're called 'deviled eggs'?

Because the devil makes you eat twenty-five of em!

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone, I need to see something..."

I just look at her all crazy because I don't even let my wife do that.

I went to a record store that specialized in hard to find records and tapes.

Nothing was alphabetized.

You're a hugger?

That's nice.

I'm a 'don't touch me'.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

An Amish woman rides into town in her horse & buggy, she gets pulled over by the Sheriff. He walks up & says; 

“Ma’am you have a busted tail light reflector”  

She replies; “Oh I’m sorry Sheriff, I’ll have Jacob fix it as soon as I get home”.

The Sheriff looks over the rest of the buggy and noticed the horse reins were running down the horse's rear end & wrapped around his nads’ then back up to her hands. The Sheriff then says; “Lady I outta arrest you for cruelty to animals”. She says frantically; "Oh my Sheriff, I promise I’ll have Jacob fix that too." So she gets home & tells Jacob of the Sheriff stopping her for the busted tail light. Jacob then asks; “did he mention anything else?”

She replied; “Well he did say something needs to be done about our ‘Emergency Brake’.

I want to steal a donut truck and be in a high-speed chase. Cops would never live it down.

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

I'm really stuck between I need to save money and you only live once.

I'm not aging like fine wine. I'm aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.

I'm kinda glad dinosaurs are extinct because I'm pretty sure I'd try and ride one after a few drinks.

I'm doing crunches twice a day now.

Captain in the morning, Nestle in the afternoon.

Today is the day that I do everything tomorrow.

Good morning pupils.

Good morning Miss Iris.

This is a cornea joke.

When it's sunny I think beer garden.

When it rains I usually go to the pub.

When it's snowing I like to watch TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

A man yelled out of his car at a woman, "I will make your life a living hell." She said, "No thanks, I am not looking for a relationship right now."

I was popular once but my therapist took all my imaginary friends away.

I say, Watson, I think we've found a boat.

No, ship, Sherlock.

I just slammed on the brakes so hard that I found $3.14 in change, an empty flask, 42 M&Ms, 75 french fries, and a puppy.

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.

Just before I die, I'm going to swallow a huge bag of popcorn kernels, just to make the cremation a little bit more exciting.

My new girlfriend got upset because she thinks I didn't like her cooking.

So to prove her wrong, I had another slice of gravy.

...

Comment on the gravy joke...

"Johnny my dear heart got hurt with my long time friend of 40 years how my mom brainwashed her thoughts and told her what to do it's not pleasing to me at all just the same I go on with my own business in hand and wait for her to call"

😜

My wife and I share the same sense of humor.

We have to, she doesn't have one.

The older I get, the more I realize, I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks.

Tip of the day...

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

Lord, please give me patience, because if you give me the strength I'll need bail money too.

I asked a date to meet me at the gym but she didn't show up.

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

If the earth is the third planet from the sun, doesn't that mean every country is a third-world country?

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't funny and is considered wasting police time.

Her on her cell phone: Honey, the car won't drive!

Him: When I'm not with you, you have to sit on the other side.

How do I become one of those people that goes to bed at 10 and wakes up at 6?

Does it require some kind of surgery?

What if they aren't stars at all, but holes pokes in the top of the container so we can breathe.

What are those things you blow on and make wishes?

Breathalyzers.

It's important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.

I think I just voted for a real estate agent.

Can you eat the food you left in your car overnight?

Well, in winter your car is a fridge.

I got a new doormat.

It says, There is no reason for you to be here.

So the vet just informed us our pet goat won’t be able to have offspring.

No kidding.