5718 - Saturday jokes

My wife doesn't like that I make my mother-in-law the butt of all jokes, but I always tell her yo mama...

Yo momma cooks so bad...

The homeless gave her food back.

Her family prays after they eat.

Even the roaches say, Nah, thanks, ma'am, but I ate already.

The dogs run outside when she sets the table.

The flies all chipped in and fixed the screen door.

Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on channel 3 news.

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen.

Yo mama so ugly peeping toms break into her house just to close the curtains.

Yo mama so ugly that your daddy took her to work each day just so he didn't have to kiss her goodbye.

The earth was flat…

Then they buried yo mama.

Yo mama so dumb she sat on the TV to watch the couch.

Yo momma so fat she puts on a belt with a boomerang.

Yo momma so fat she fills the tub, then turns on the water.

Yo momma so fat, the only time she sees 90210 is when she steps on a scale.

"Those burgers aren't fully cooked!"

"That's why we bless the food first! Let's eat!"

I opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time, I was shocked!

Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Summer, Friday, Tuesday...

Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list?

Wife: please stop answering the phone like that when I call you.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Kids who don’t rebel during their childhood are the worst. I just helped a boy sneak in a drink during a family function for the first time in his life. The boy is 29. The boy is my husband.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he'd accidentally hung it up.

I asked my husband to add some things that we need for Thanksgiving to the shopping list. When I got to the store I realized he’d just written ‘thanksgiving stuff,’ and if that doesn’t perfectly sum up marriage then I don’t know what does.

If your wife uses "I" it means she will be doing something. "We" means you will be.

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

husband: I was thinking we could start jogging in the mor—-

me: Let me stop you right there.

It's with a heavy heart I announce that, after 12 years of marriage, my partner and I have decided that it's better for both of us if we don't attend any of your holiday parties anymore.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me. 

Husband: You should do the Calm app. 

Me: You should do the STFU app.

I was laying on the couch and my wife walked by with a hammer, tape measure, and a level but didn’t say a word to me. This is a test, right?

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes.

Marriage can be such a rollercoaster. One minute you're reminiscing over your wedding photos and the next you're asking your partner to please breathe more quietly.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Chemistry...

Co + 2 Fe > coffee

Ba + 2Na > Banana

For the neurodivergent "I am incredibly motivated to clean, let's do this now!" winds up in the "Everything I have ever owned is now on the floor and I guess I'll just live in these piles" pipeline.

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!!

Please don't ask your doctors a philosophical question.

They only know practical answers.

Patient: Doctor, what happens after we die?

Doctor: We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

I don't like being asked, "Are you at home?"

Please explain further so I can know if I'm at home or not.

You know you're getting old when you notice gray hair on your kid's head.

I hate when Walmart doesn't have what I need and I have to go home, change out of my pajamas, and take a shower so I can go to Target.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday. 

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

My dad's 8 years sober today. Yep, it's been 8 years since his funeral.

A farmer friend of mine has a pig with three legs. I asked him why. He said to avoid waste he eats it a bit at a time.

My son told me he learned that octopuses can climb through small cracks, so he's scared to swim in the ocean because an octopus might climb inside his butt. Now I'm scared to swim in the ocean too.

Always take a receipt. You may need it as an alibi.

One time I was late to practice and the coach made me run laps.

My dad was the coach. And he drove me to practice.

A rival dad told me to make myself at home while we were at his house so I adjusted the thermostat.

All dads have a Fear of Missing Garbage Day. (This is true.)

Finished off a roll of wrapping paper so I bonked the nearest family member on the head with the tube because them’s the rules.

I did the whole “Hi hungry, I’m dad” routine on my 5yo for the first time and she thought it was hilarious. It only works once so I’ll be chasing that high for the rest of my life.

Interesting fact: T-shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus shirt. Because of the short arms.

She watched a Hallmark movie backward.

A woman in an ugly Christmas sweater dumped her loser, small-town boyfriend to pursue a law career in NYC where she lived happily ever after in pencil skirts and amazing shoes.