5725 - Saturday jokes

Irony of life...

Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad if someone read them?

Now they put everything on social media and get mad if people don't read them.

They say money doesn't bring you happiness.

I say, neither does being broke.

Looking for groomers that are open on Sunday.

Try the Catholic church.

After seeing the earth from the moon, Nei Armstrong said it changed his perception of humanity.

Before there were arbitrary divisions and strife, but afterward he only saw one people, all losers who had never been to the moon.

God creating ducks...

Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today and I'm feeling like such a good boy!

I got an email explaining how to read maps backward. It was spam.

As I understand it, "Let's go Brandon" is code for "High school gym class was the most important time of my life".

Tampon Don, stopping the red wave.

Elon Musk is so white I'm surprised Don Jr. hasn't tried to snort him.

There's a new Jamaican place near me. When I called they answered with "fuck you want bro?"

I ordered three meals. This is going to be amazing.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel this way?

Me: Don't be sad. Because sad backward is das, And das not good.

Therapist: *taking notes* Can I use that?

Dentist: Open up, please.

Me: Sometimes I get sad.

Do we have a doctor here?

Yes, I'm a doctor.

What's your specialty?

I'm a doctor of mathematics.

My friend is dying!

Minus one.

My kidnappers returned me after listening to me talk about cats for two hours.

Don't get me started.

I don't come with brakes.

Fart when he hugs you.

It makes him feel strong.

Somebody said that Joel Osteen looks like Martin Short pretending to be Tim Allen. I can't unsee that now.

Wife holding a broom...

Husband: Can I borrow that or are you going somewhere?

Elon Musk gets a lot of hate.

But it's not enough. We can do better.

I'm fat but I identify as skinny.

I'm trans-slender.

Managing your weight around the holidays requires a little planning.

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale.

Not to brag, but I remembered why I came to the kitchen on the first try.

Guy: There's a stereotype that all blondes are dumb. What's your favorite stereotype?

Blonde: I don't know, probably Sony.

You should try yoga. It makes you flexible, relaxed, and loose.

So does vodka without all that sweating.

Name something that begins with "E" that you're not very good at.

Spelling!

The inventor of the wind chill factor died recently. 

He was 82, but felt like he was 64.

If Santa Claus raised cattle he would be a Jolly Rancher.

Tattoo Removal Studio is now offering free removals for Ye fans: 'Yeezy Come, Yeezy Go'.

Saw a store that had a sign that read, "We treat you like family".

Yup, not going in there!

My kids have just discovered that the family sick bowl and the cake mix bowl are one and the same. In my defense, this was also the case when I was growing up, but now that I’ve said it out loud, I realize I need to break the cycle. I won’t be taking any further questions.

I googled “how long should you soak a cast iron pan” and now the FBI is at my door.

"So we just have to sit here and suffer?!?" - my first grader experiencing tv commercials for the first time while staying with my mom over Thanksgiving.

There once was a man from Kildare

Who had sex with a girl on the stair

On his twenty-first stroke

The banister broke

So he finished it off in mid-air.

Sure, I could parent without screen time. I could also churn my own butter, but let's not get crazy here.

Me: Do you sometimes feel like you need to cry, but you're too tired to do it, so just kind of curl into a ball and stare into space?

Bank Employee: I meant questions about your account.

I'm renaming my kitchen junk drawer “The Cabinet of Curiosities,” to give it a little pizzazz.

If you’re the type of person who needs to soak their crockpot for two days, before actually washing it, our friendship is built on something solid.

Food Bloggers: Are you ready for an easy weeknight meal?

Me: Yes.

Food Bloggers: You'll probably even have most of the ingredients on hand.

Me: Awesome.

Food Bloggers: Ok, start by milking your goat.

Me: ......

Not everyone realizes this, but if you get your receipts and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.

When my spouse asks why I take such long showers, it’s like they don’t realize I have to let the hair shampoo soak in along with the ramifications of all my life choices up to this point.

Every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a motivated person, so maybe you should just calm down a bit.

I recently joined a nudist colony. 

The first few days were the hardest. 

Nudists are just people with no fashion sense.

(This is from a "different" kind of joke group.)

My wife looks beautiful when she sleeps, so I was always waiting until the evening to see her resting in bed. 

Now that she's in a coma I don't have to wait anymore, so I'm glad I watched her flail around for a while before cutting her down from the noose she tied.

(And another one.)

My boss likes to show off his highly illegal collection of 'shrunken heads' that he's smuggled back to the country from his business trips to Peru. 

I'm curious to see how long it takes him to notice the ones I added to his collection, but he's been distracted recently over the disappearance of his wife and children.  

My wife wanted to climb the tree in our front yard to hang Christmas lights, but my toddler cried and begged her not to so she wouldn't get hurt. It was a warm, caring moment that showed how much she loves her mom. Moments later, she suggested I climb the tree instead.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, "you're good" before I even got to show it to him.

My 3-year-old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:

- wants all of her fingers to be the same length

- I wouldn't let her eat a sponge 

- her feet were sandy (we were at the beach)

- she doesn't want to be an only child (her brother "does not count")

My wife just said, "It's freezing in here."

Let the annual Thermostat Games begin.

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

It's an around the cock job.

It's not easy to get into, I hear the competition is stiff.

And then you put whatever you cut off together and make a wallet.

But when you rub it, it becomes a suitcase.

If I get promoted to the whales I will require four skin divers.

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.

The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."