5746 - Saturday jokes

Look at this weather being all springy and cute like it didn't just try to kill us last week.

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.

As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

I said, "So now you want me to stay?"

I went to a trendy nightclub last week. The doorman said to me, "Sorry sir, I can't let you in. You've had too many." I said, "What, drinks?" He said, "No, birthdays."

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?” 

He said, “Of course. Which one?” 

I said, “William.” 

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months.

Since people only kill spiders they see, humans are acting as an agent of natural selection. This causes spiders to be selected for reclusion and intelligence. We are making spiders smarter.

My favorite socks have seen better days. You might say they're on their last legs.

What did you get for Christmas?

Fat. I got fat.

(Actually, I got sick,)

Do alcoholics run in your family?

Nope, they stumble around and break shit.

(Picture you will be able to visualize shortly.)

Me, finishing all the food left over from Christmas so I can start that diet in the New Year.

I used to envy people who could do a cartwheel. But now I'm jealous of anyone who can get up off the floor without making grunting noises and holding onto furniture.

My response to anything work related during the week after Christmas...

Sounds like a 2023 problem to me.

When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

My ducks are absolutely not in a row.

At this point, I don't even know where my ducks are.

Santa sitting on the toilet...

Those damn kids put laxatives in the cookies again.

Dude takes one picture in a suit and then starts posting quotes about success.

Just go to court bro.

My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

I told my psychologist that I have an irrational fear of living in tall buildings with multiple residential occupants.

She said, "Hmm, that sounds like an apartment complex."

BUBBA AND BILLY JOE WERE ON VACATION, WALKING DOWNTOWN, WINDOW SHOPPING, AND THEY SEE A SIGN ON A STORE WHICH READS, "SUITS $5.99 EACH, SHIRTS $1.99 EACH, TROUSERS $2.49 EACH.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

Me: Can I have that in big bills?

Bank teller: This is a check for $14.05.

Me: Make one of those bad boys a 10.

Marriage: When you take dating just a bit too far.

Just thinking about the show "To Catch a Predator" and how they exposed husbands, fathers, faith leaders, and community leaders. But never a drag queen.

You almost never hear jokes about Jim Jones.

The punch lines are too long.

Me: Go back to bed, school was canceled because of icy road conditions.

Kids: Then why are you leaving?

Me: Work doesn't care if you die.

Guy standing on sidewalk with sign:

FEAR GOD

Guy next to him with sign:

ZILLA

I know my dog loves me, but if I had a squeaker in me, he would gut me like a fish.

My obese parrot died this morning.

Although it's very sad, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Stop, drop, and roll was always such a big deal as a kid.

I really thought I'd be on fire more than this as an adult.

When Elon leaves, they should make him carry the sink back out.

There are 360-plus days until Christmas and people already have their lights up! Unbelievable.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines? 

A Platoon.

Conspiracy Theorists Think The Large Hadron Collider Transferred Us Into A Parallel Universe In Latest Experiment.

Actually, that could explain a lot.

Today I saved $241.68 by not going to Target to buy deodorant.

Dog thoughts...

Poop outside and he saves it in a bag.

Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind!

Lauren Boebert's failed 2nd Amendment Cafe is being replaced by a Mexican restaurant.

That's all I really need for Christmas.

Supervisor: I noticed you've been requesting a lot of time off.

Me: Yes, this is the time of the year I rebuild the pieces of my soul that have been destroyed by this company.

Teacher: What is 4000 in Roman numerals.

Me: Mmmm...

Teacher: Well done!

Zoom interview...

Interviewer: Sir, can you tell me a little about your background?

Me: Sure, it's Mount Everest!

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought?

Shout out to those paleolithic people for petting those wolves.

You really did us a solid!

Sign...

BIG D INNER BOX

Spacing matters.

You are in a trapped room with no doors, windows, or lights. You can see because the walls are luminescent and all you see is a mirror sitting on a table. How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole, crawl out the hole.

What do you call a Danish dishwasher?

Dishpan Hans.

I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room on New Year's Eve. I might not even go.

Not to brag, but I've already picked out the pajamas I'll be wearing on New Year's Eve.

If you're over 45, hire movers.

Your friends are too old and nobody wants to slip a disk for pizza and two beers.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas...

They're due back at the library next Monday.

At the Holy Cow church...

Rev: Lord, protect Patty from the special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and sesame seed buns!

Flock: HALLEMOOJAH!

It's important to set realistic goals for the upcoming year...

1. sleep in more

2. remain fat

A Tibetan monk who saw an image of Jesus in his margarine tub says…

“I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"

Dad: "Hide".

Kid: "What???"

Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".

Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow!"

Farmer reading a bovine methane study...

Farmer: I know how to milk them but how do I get their methane...

Cow: Pull my hoof.

So after four days, I finally finished making Christmas dinner.

It was the peas fault.

It said on the bag, boil separately.