5767 - Saturday jokes

Waiter: Sir, I just saw your wife run out the door. Will she be coming back?

Husband: Probably not. She opened her fortune cookie and it said - Life's short, buy those shoes.

"My wife and I have decided we don't want any kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard."

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you. 

Edit: No you won't.

INFJ...

I hate people but I hate saying I hate people because that makes me sound mean. 

I'm nice. I like people it's just that I hate people.

Back in my day, there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

Husband: What's for dinner.

Wife: Nothing.

Husband: We had nothing last night.

Wife: I know, I made enough for two days.

Passenger: How often do planes crash?

Stewardess: Just once.

The best thing about being old is that I did all my stupid shit before the internet.

90% of life with a dog is following each other around wondering what the other is eating.

Daughter: Dad, I need your help. I've got a flat tire.

Dad: Can't your husband help?

Daughter: I called him but he's really busy.

Dad: OK. Do you have a spare?

Daughter: I called him too but he didn't answer.

Induction - The act of inserting ducks.

Deduction - The act of removing ducks.

Reduction - Replacing a worn out duck with a replacement duck.

My wife just said, "It's freezing in here."

Let the annual Thermostat Games begin.

5-year-old: Why is the snow still here?

Me: Because it hasn't melted yet.

5: But I'm done with it.

Sorry I'm late for school, Miss, but there are 7 in our family and the alarm was set for six.

I went to a ballet last night.

All those women dancing on their tip-toes.

Made me wonder why they didn't just find taller women.

Her: When I moved out on my own, I got a locket with my picture in it.

Him: So you were independant.

My friend's a stutterer.

He was telling us a story about his Nanna.

By the time he finished, we were all singing "Hey Jude".

My wife had a dress that had a tear in it. She brought it to the tailors to have it fixed. She asked me to pick it up and bring it home. When she opened it she realized that it wasn’t repaired and so she sent me back with it with a note that read “return to mender a dress unsewn".

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

We really used to print out 4 pages from Mapquest and travel like pirates.

(I still do. I don't trust google directions.)

A quote by Sherlock Holmes basically sums up the problem with conspiracy theorists:

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts."

Him: I really like Beyonce.

Her: Whatever floats your boat.

Him: No, that's buoyancy.

I stand behind Alec Baldwin.

It's far safer than standing in front of him.

A doctor asked a blonde her name. She thought about it for a minute and said Angi! 

The doctor asked why it took so long to remember her name. 

Well, I had to sing the whole song to remember... 

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear.....

A lesbian and her girlfriend walk into a bar.

They get a couple drinks in and another patron notices the woman is very buff.

He asks her how much she can lift and with a drunken grin she says, "Watch this!!" before stumbling out of her chair and picking up her girlfriend bridal style. She holds her there for a second, and the man is very impressed, but very quickly she drops her girlfriend and vomits into a trash can.

The bartender rushes over from the other side of the bar and says, "Damn, I should have warned you, she's a regular. She's pretty strong, but she can't hold her licker."

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun.

A few hours later lying in a hospital bed he’s approached by a doctor. “The good news is you are going to be ok”, “the bad news is there is some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister”.

“Is she a plastic surgeon”? asked the hunter.

“No", says the doctor, “she plays the flute, she can teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face”.

My wife made a Freudian slip while we were making love.

She said, "Yes! Oh yes! Oh my God Sigmund!"

You know what they say.

Greeks invented the threesome,

and the Romans added women.

What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?

A Try Sarah’s tops.

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

Dentist: "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle. “Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies. After hearing this the dentist grabs a breathing mask “Then we can put you to sleep with anesthesia.” Says the dentist. “But I don’t like masks, they make me claustrophobic” replies the customer.

The dentist, puzzled, asks the customer “Are you fine with taking pills then?” The customer nods “I take painkillers every so often.” and so the dentist pulls out a bottle of pills.

The customer sees the bottle of pills and says, “I didn’t know Viagra was a painkiller.” “It’s not a painkiller”, says the dentist, “but it’ll give you something to hold on to when the pain starts”.

Deep down Russians know Putin is a very good leader.

About six feet down should do it.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, “Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while…”

Billy says, “I'm fine, Mommy…I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says, “ Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, “Works for ketchup"

I can't believe people collect old magazines.

They must have a lot of issues.

Sargent: I didn't see you at camouflage practice today, private!

Private: Thank you, sir!

Me: Doc, I can't get the song "The Green Green Grass of Home" out of my head.

Doc: That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome.

Me: Is it common?

Doc: It's not unusual.

If I talk, I care.

If I'm quiet, I'm done talking.

(I'm not a coffee drinker, but...)

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who genuinely have a medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

I am getting too old to be around people who don’t understand the concept of loyalty and honesty.

"Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!" -- Steven Wright

Doc: I'm afraid you're going deaf.

Me: Well, that was not easy to hear.

Them: Why did you block me!

Me: We get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.