5866 - Saturday jokes

My 7yo just got mad at his brother and called him ugly. 

His brother got really upset and started crying.

They're identical twins.

Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

    Since when was Mike your best friend?

Since yesterday!

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist. 

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him, "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot."

Scientists should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity.

Are the e's in bee silent?

If it gets cold one more time, I'm just going to put my Christmas tree back up.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

A magician asks me, "Pick a card. Any card."

So I took his Visa.

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet! It shouldn't have taken you more than 5 seconds!

My boss said, ‘You’ve been late three days in a row this week. Do you know what that means?’ 

I said, ‘Yeah, it’s Wednesday.’

If a chicken coop is haunted, would there be a poultrygeist?

With falling church attendance my local priest has started organic, fair-trade, Holy Communion.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Archimedes heel.

Trail mix? Oh, you mean M&Ms with obstacles.

I can't find my 'Gone In 60 Seconds' DVD. 

It was right here a minute ago.

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

Graduation speech...

I would like to thank the Internet, Google, Wikipedia, Copy and Paste, and Microsoft Office.

Walmart: The only place you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream, sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real-life episode of "What Not to Wear".

Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

I'm going to donate a bunch of stuff to Goodwill.

But first I'm going to drive around with it in my trunk for two months.

I dressed up as a game warden yesterday. 

I caught a ton of fish, a new boat, a truck, and a bunch of fishing gear.

We really used to print out pages on Mapquest & travel like pirates.

(I still do.)

Netflix needs to stop asking if I'm still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

Only a woman who has delivered a baby without an epidural shot can truly understand the pain a man goes through when he has a cold.

I want abs...

...olutley all the donuts.

The first person to ever hear a parrot speak was probably not OK for a couple of days.

At my last colonoscopy, I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was not up there.

You know when you wake up at 6 in the morning and you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's suddenly 6:45?

But when you're at work and it's 2:30 and after you close your eyes for 5 minutes it's 2:31.

Doctor: We can't find anything wrong with you so we're going to treat you for Symptom Deficit Disorder. We're going to start with a cashectomy.

My version of a triathlon is a doughnut, a pizza, and a hot fudge sundae.

Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew his descendant would be a poodle.

That's how I feel when I see a guy with a man-bun.

I'm not anti-social. I have the Internet and a dog. What else do I need?

My housekeeping style is best described as "There appears to have been a struggle".

The check engine light came on.

I opened the hood and it's still there.

Now what?

I want to run wild and live my life to the fullest.

But I also don't want to leave home.

Guy in jail talking to his lawyer...

He had 21 items.

It was the express lane.

He was on his phone.

He had bottle returns.

He wrote a check.

He recorded it in his checkbook.

Then he double-checked his receipt.

After that, all I remember is the police showing up.

At the graveyard...

Here lies the man who discovered dynamite.

   And here...      Here also...

and here..    more here...         more...

     here some more...

I'm going to try and act like a normal, happy, mentally balanced person today.

Wish me luck!