5873 - Saturday jokes

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they look very nice if you ask me.

The mechanic asked if I needed to call my husband before buying new tires for my car, so I asked him where the rotary phone was so I could call the 1950s.

My coach said I run like a girl. And I said if he ran a little faster he could too.

I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth.

Getting old is weird because you’re still that same enthusiastic kid trapped in an antique body.

Why must I prove who I am to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills? 

Why don't you let them!

That feeling you get when you've been in the Uber for 5 minutes and you get a text from the driver saying he's outside.

I see dead people.

Oh, it's just you without makeup, my bad.

How to start an argument online.

1. Express an opinion.

2. Wait...

Note on the fridge...

Hey Mom,

Someone from Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst Beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer.

Friend: Look, your husband is talking to another girl.

Her: Let him. I want to see how long he can suck in his stomach.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the Kitchen Scissors STAY IN THE KITCHEN!

I'm thinking about righting a book.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Attack while they're distracted.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so that later I can ask him what he meant.

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone." -- Steven Wright

I knew the psychic was a fraud when they accepted my check.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?

When you truly don't care what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.

Things I should be doing...

So many...

Things I'm not currently doing...

Any of that!

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee." 

The second astronaut replies, "In space, no one can, here use cream." 

This doesn't work. Does anyone know why?

Alexa, delete my belly.

The chill pill I took this morning seems to have been a placebo.

The look you get when your girlfriend is accusing you of cheating, and you're thinking she's starting to sound just like your wife.

I decided to paint all my clothes.

Just finished my second coat.

A woman had a problem with her closet door, it was rattling badly every time a bus would pass by. So she called a repairman. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door rattles every time a bus passes by. "OK, I'm gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me", and he steps into the closet. Just then, the husband comes from work, opens the closet, and finds the repairman. Husband, "What the heck are you doing here!" Repairman, "Well, you are not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for a bus!"

At the end of the day, we are all human beans.

And together we will rice.

Lettuce pray.

Ramen.

Grandma once said, "Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard."

If a pro-lifer asks, "What if Mary aborted Jesus"? 

Tell them, "It would have sped things along, wouldn't it?"

There are 27 bones in my hand.

28 when I'm bored.

Fitness instructor: "What are your weight loss goals?"

Me: "I just want to be able to cut my toenails and breathe at the same time."

Facebook user discovers they can simply scroll past posts they disagree with instead of leaving an essay in the comments.

Him: You always watch cooking shows but your cooking is abysmal.

Her: You watch a lot of porn...

Me to doctor: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No, I slammed my laptop shut when my wife walked in.

Cleavage is like the sun.

You can glance at it for only a second,

but if you wear sunglasses,

you can look much longer.

Cat to owner: Well, if you hadn't declawed me, I wouldn't have had to learn to use the chainsaw.

The show called "When Animals Attack" should be called "When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals".

The Sesame Street Bus company hires a new driver named Harry. Driving the bus along the route, Harry is flagged down by two very overweight ladies. Greeting them cheerfully, Harry says "Hi, I'm Harry" to which the first lady replies "My name is Patty." 

The second lady says "My name is also Patty." Harry resumes his route and is flagged down at the next bus stop by two people, presumably father and son. "Hi, I'm Harry," he says. The young boy says "Hi, I'm Ross, and I'm special." The father was sniffling answers "I'm Lester......ACHOO!" They take their seats, and Lester continues the sneezing. Harry shrugs and continues on the route. 

Harry is flagged at the next stop by a wino who is clearly tanked. "Hi, I'm Harry." "I'm.....I'm....I'm Sonny....," the drunk stammers. Harry continues on his route. Eventually, everyone gets off, and his shift is over. Back at the station, his boss asks about the passengers he had that day, to which he replied: Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Lester sneezes, Pickled Sonny on a Sesame Street Bus.

Building a tree house is the biggest insult to a tree.

I killed your friend, here, hold him.