5894 - Saturday jokes

Until further notice the days of the week are now called, thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday.

How did you meet your Husband?

I'm a pharmacist. He came in to by condoms and asked for XXXXXL. Only after we got married did I realize he stutters a little.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Mom to kid: You can either eat your salad or you're going to time out.

Kid: I'll take the time out. I saw what you did with that cucumber last night.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".

Each of the women said, "We can't drive".

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.

A girl went to a Giants game. She surprisingly started her period and was unprepared. None of her friends (all guys) had anything to help her. She didn't want to leave the game so she had to get inventive and used one of her socks. But because of that, she came to the game a Giants fan, but left a Red Sox fan.

What's the lowest you'll take?

   Lowest I'll go is $700.

$200?

   Sure, why not.

OK, where do you want to meet?

   101 Main in about 10 minutes.

Sounds good.

…

Hey, I'm here.

   Cool, head inside.

Into the comedy club?

   Yeah, then go up on stage and tell your jokes to somebody else.

There’s a very slight, almost undetectable difference in what you’ll hear if either an Australian throwing stick is rapidly moving towards you, and what you’ll hear if someone near you is vehemently opposed to the dessert they’ve been served.

In one case you’ll hear, “Boomerang!”

In the other you’ll hear, “Booo! Meringue!”

That look you give when you know they're lying to you but you can't say anything because of the way you found out.

Sometimes I think I'm reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Green is my favorite color. I like it more than blue and yellow combined.

When you are with your best friend it doesn't matter whose idea it was as long as your alibis match.

Bank balance: $0.00

Mental health: Unstable

Relationship: Forever alone

Checking memes at 2AM: 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him.

I'll always admit to something I didn't do, as long as it's better than something I did do.

How long have you had amnesia?

As long as I can remember.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a phillips screwdriver?

Bad Puns, That's How Eye Roll.

Every one thinks you're good at keeping secrets when actually you're just good at forgetting them.

I married my wife for her looks.

But not the ones I'm getting lately. 

Dorothy: How can you talk if you don't have a brain?

Scarecrow: Oh some people without brains do an awful lot of talking.

I drove to a craft beer store store during a long phone call for work.

While checking out, I was asked a question.

I unmuted and said, "Sorry, I had to pick something up from the pharmacy."

Unprompted the cashier said, "Any questions about your prescription?"

This is the kind of society I want to live in.

At Halloween, a kid came to the door with a sign for a costume.

It said, 'I love ceilings'.

"What are you?"

"I'm a ceiling fan!"

I gave him all the candy.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I tried to make a reservation at the library.

Couldn't get one, they were fully booked.

Intermittent fasting? I just slept 8 hours without a snack.

What more do you want from me?!

Some people don't sleep because they have insomnia.

I don't don't sleep because I have an internet connection.

That feeling you have when your lunch break is over and you still have to work another 30 years.

Why do you want this job?

I've always been passionate about not starving to death.

My mind thinks I'm 25 but my body thinks I'm an idiot.

I never finish anything.

I have a black belt in partial arts.

Reminder...

April is procrastination awareness month.

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, it's on the right foot.

What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?

Prime rib!

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my donor card instead of my credit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

This morning I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash behind him.

I thought it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In your chair, but asking better questions.

Growing up in the Midwest is knowing it's not worth explaining where you're actually from, just name the biggest city closest to you.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper.

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits. 

Then she got all offended during my PowerPoint presentation.

Daughter: Mom, I'm dating our neighbor.

Mom: He could be your dad.

Daughter: Age isn't an issue Mom.

Mom: No, I don't think you understand me.

Woman: When you stick it my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?

Cop: Ma'am, just blow into the breathalyzer please.

Female cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.

Guy motorist: BOOBS!