Before you came into my life I felt like an idiot.
Now I feel like a genius.
Thanks for being blonde.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun "just in case".
Billionaires aren't geniuses.
They are professional labor exploiters with no attachment to reality.
Boyfriend: If I killed somebody, would you tell on me?
Girlfriend: No, but I'd use it against you forever. "Are you going to walk the dog or do I have to make the phone call?"
Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: Well, you need two i's.
Cyclops: My life is just a joke to you isn't it?
Stop complaining about your life.
There are people literally living in Florida.
My 3yo asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you the rest of YOUR life". Toddlers are cold blooded, man.
Dating when you're older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.
When a post includes 'I bet none of my friends will share this' rest assured, I won't.
Autocorrects...
yes, autocorrect. I definitely meant to offer a monkey-back guarantee.
My autocorrect just changed daughter to disaster and I’ve never been more paranoid that my smart phone could read my mind.
AUTOCORRECT, YOU SON OF A BITCOIN.
Autocorrect better define "cluster duck" for me if it's gonna keep changing my words.
Meant to text my partner 'how long for you to run errands' but 'run' autocorrected to 'ruin' and I'm standing with autocorrect on this one.
Autocorrect changed "pandemic" to "panda mix" and I'm not even questioning it.
Wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect “mighty ducks” to “mighty dicks” but here we are.
Autocorrect just changed 'morning' to 'morbid' and now life makes perfect sense.
(Amen)
Tried to sign an email "soph" but it autocorrected to "soon" so now my whole email sounds like a threat.
FINALLY TURNED OFF AUTOCORRECT & I'VE NEVER FELT FRIAR OH GOD IT'S STILL ON.
Thanks to autocorrect I just responded to the school group chat that I’d be bringing enough “porn” for everyone to the fall festival. (corn)
I was texting “I appreciate a man with chivalry,” and it autocorrected “chivalry” to “chocolate”— and they kind of seem interchangeable.
I'm giving up autocorrect for Lend.
Yes, autocorrect, I definitely meant to call that guy a giant buttonhole.
I am pleased to report that autocorrect changed “duck” to “fuck” multiple times and tbh, I feel like for the first time my phone understands me.
Autocorrect changed dadbod to sadbod and to be honest that really hurt my feelings.
No, autocorrect, I was not searching for music by labia del rey.
Just went to write “homophobic” in a text and it autocorrected to “jomo jobo” and unfortunately that is so funny and I will be adopting it. I’m sorry your dad is jomo jobo.
Look, autocorrect, as long as I live in New York, I will ALWAYS be typing "cat", not "car".
Canadian Auto-correct changes every misspelled word to Sorry.
Yeah autocorrect I meant "pics of Michael glass blender".
My phone changed “I’m doing well” to “I’m dying well” and now I’m worried autocorrect knows something about me I don’t.
Autocorrect just changed my text from, “I’m going to save my muffin” to “I’m going to shave my muffin” and now my husband is racing home toward some real disappointment.
On this international women’s day, let’s remember our work in dismantling the patriarchy isn’t over. For example, my iPhone doesn’t auto-capitalize ‘international women’s day’ but it does autocorrect Buffalo Wild Wings.
I texted my rather shy crush, asking if he wanted to see my new boots. It got autocorrected to “new boobs”. He unfriended me.
My iPhone’s autocorrect just changed flu shot to fly shit, in case you wondered if Siri is an anti-vaxxer.
Autocorrect changes Hahaha to HAHAHAHAHA because it thinks I'm a psycho.
I tried to type that toddlers are “badasses” and it autocorrected to “bad assets” and honestly that’s pretty perfect.
Yes, autocorrect, I definitely meant to say that this cake is very maoist.
I have a jote about autocorrect.
My autocorrect changed "I meditated" to "I medicated," which was more honest.
My phone just autocorrected "anxiety" to "nudity," as in "nudity dream," and sometimes I think they're just messing with us for personal entertainment.
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12 comments:
The words toll-booth were invented by autocollect.
I HATE autocorrect.
Yes, medicated is more honest. Actually once I was stalking, rr trying to date somebody I was too excited about. That's always deadly. You know you can get anybody you don't really want. Anyway, I meant to text. I was just thinking about you. But what autocorrect changed it to. I was lust thinking about you. And I didn't realize until after I sent it. Never heard from them again! Lol haha Saab er sob there that's a perfect example of wetwater correct Does. They don't make soaps anymore (Saabs)
Auto correct is evil. And funny.
Stu - I'm glad we don't have any toll roads around here. I would be spending all my time on the back roads.
River - Hey! Tell us how you REALLY feel! 🤣
Cloudia - But you probably WERE "lust thinking" about him. 😊
Sue - I assume a Samsung phone has it. I don't text enough to notice.
The autocorrects are funny, but the truth in advertising awards this week go to the Walmart carts and the Florida residents.
Poor Cyclops, LOL!
And Mike's back in business again!
Autocorrects can be pretty funny.
Bill - Especially Florida residents.
Deb - He's a little sensitive isn't he?
Kathy - Not 100% but I'm getting more backer ever day.
John - Luckily I don't have to put up with them.
My teacher daughter was sending a message to a co-worker in which "mastering math". Auto correct correct to "masturbating". She had already sent it to her colleague.
Susan - Hopefully the colleague has a sense of humor. Some don't.
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