6039 - Saturday jokes

Guys, never argue with a woman. If you win, things might get worse.

No parent has ever turned the car around. It was an empty threat that we all fell for!

I just put a stick in a non-stick pan.

At my age...

Seen it all

Done it all

Heard it all

... I just can't remember it all!

Saw two guys urinating next to a car earlier.

Turned out they were from... "Wee by any car.com".

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness has obviously never been bonded out.

Are they still doing Daylight Savings, because I would kindly like to opt out of pitch black at 5:30 pm, this year. You guys can do it but I’m good.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women are only in their “prime” during their 20s. Like, what? Excuse me, but I checked the math and that is blatantly false.

Women are also prime at 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97.

I don’t agree with ‘you snooze you lose’. Snoozing seems like winning to me.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

My daughter stopped dribbling the basketball and started talking to the girl guarding her, then she just gave her the ball because “she wouldn’t stop waving her hands and it was annoying,” so dreams of that athletic scholarship may be on hold.

My wife just bought a ladder. Have I outlasted my usefulness?

The only thing my wife hates more than picking a place to eat is the place I just picked.

My sister said she voluntold her husband he has to build a bench for the school and I think I found my new favorite verb.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

My husband said he’s taking me somewhere next weekend but won’t tell me where and I just thought I should publicly document this because it sounds like the beginning of a Dateline episode.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don't live in a commercial.

No no, we're a BUDDHIST colony. BUDDIST, with a B.

When I was in college, I was listening to a lecture about RNA. After the prof was finished I raised my hand and asked if I understood that in order to replicate, one must unzip their genes first. The room was silent for several seconds and then everyone started laughing. The professor just stared at me.

The new standard of a kid 'put down' in 2023.

"Oh yeah?! Well, your dad buys Bud Light at Target!"

Ever look at someone and think,

"Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?"

So many people are too judgemental these days.

I can tell just by looking at them.

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

Coffee spelled backward is eeffoc.

Just know that I don't like coffee and don't give eeffoc if anyone cares.

Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Canadian CSI guy 1 picking up a shoe: It's a boot!

Canadian CSI guy 2: Aboot what?

We wouldn't have so many needy if we didn't have so many greedy.

I just found out that cauliflower waffles are a thing now and I just want to say if anyone ever serves me cauliflower waffles I will immediately call the police.

Q: How do you stay in the house ALL DAY?!

Me: All my stuff is there and I don't like people.

Do people who run marathons know they don’t have to?

My go-to workout is 30 minutes of cardio followed by 5 years of rest.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Some couples exercise together.

My wife and I send each other articles when we're sitting in the same room.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga.

My friend, Dwayne, recently moved to Africa.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't like you.

Me: Wow, that's a lot of sex!

Anti-wrinkle cream should be tested on ballsacks first.

If it can get the wrinkles out of them, I'm buying that shit immediately.

Q: Why do you use the British spelling of words like labour, neigbour, and humour?

Me: It annoys my spellchecker to no end.

English - Non binary

Spanish - No binaria (feminine)

Spanish - No binario (masculine)

I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Funnies from Hollywood Squares...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

At the Halloween store:

Wow! How much for that full-size Frankenstein lawn decoration?

"Sir, that's John Fetterman."

(I like John and his attitude about life.)

Most people have heard of Carl Marx, but few know of his sister Onya, an Olympic runner.

Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

I got kicked out of church because when I got baptized I had bath bombs in my pockets.

Everyone started to run when the water started boiling and changing colors.