6060 - Saturday jokes

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must have been sleep wokking again.

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

I'm not proud of the person I become when I see a bowl of stuffing.

Him: If we stayed alone in a dark room for an hour, what would you do?

Her: I'd look for a light switch.

Him: Can you even cook? Like lasagna or steak?

Her: Can you even earn money? Like dollars or euros?

Him: You spend your day sleeping, eating, and lounging on the sofa.

Her: That's because I'm Catwoman. Just not the kind you see in the Batman movies.

Him: Yeah bro, I did the nasty with a lesbian last night.

Him2: Did you use a condom?

Him: No, she's a lesbian, she can't get pregnant bro.

Her: We can't live together any longer! Do you know why?!

Him: Because I'm a heartless jerk and I don't give a damn about your feelings?

Her: YES!

Him: Next question, please. Try something more difficult.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow.

Husband: We should clean today.

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Husband: We should clean tomorrow.

Her: What do you think we should do this weekend?

Him: Eat pizza.

Her: No! Something romantic.

Him: Eat pizza in the rain and sing and dance.

Her: I know what we are doing tonight.

Him:?

Her: Guess. It involves a couch, pillows, and a blanket.

Him: Are we building a fort?

Mentioned a cervix to my 26yo boyfriend and he looked confused. I asked him if he knew what that was. He looked at me and said, "Yeah, Jesus was nailed to one".

Premature treejaculation.

The art of erecting one's festive decor any time before December.

Daylight savings is over...

My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed, “Where is the backyard?!”

Balloons are so weird.

Happy birthday. Here's a plastic sack of my breath.

I wish Taylor Swift was in love with a climate scientist.

Ricky Gervais...

"You found that offensive? I found it funny. That's why I'm happier than you."

Overheard at grocery store: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. I'm bisacksual.

The earliest Carol singers can be found on the Bayeux tapestry. They were soldiers from Western France. They were known as the Brittany Spears.

Simplified urine test for men...

Go outside and pee in the garden. 

If ants gather, Diabetes.

If you pee on your feet, Prostate.

If it smells like barbecue, Cholesterol.

If you shake it and your wrist hurts, Osteoarthritis.

If you return to your room with your dick hanging out, Alzheimer.

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.

At my age, I'm good at multitasking.

I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.

It isn't officially Thanksgiving dinner until someone says "I'm not doing this shit again next year".

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world.

I do it and 'I'm making Thanksgiving awkward'.

Me: Does anyone else feel like their being watched?

CIA: *They're

Vacations are cool, but have you ever stayed home in your pajamas and not spoken to anyone for a week?

If you need an AR15 to hunt, you probably need dynamite to fish.

Why do religions have different gods but the same satan?

When I was little, I didn't care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look at old photo albums, I realize that they didn't care either.

When I find it, I don't need it.

When I need it, I can't find it!

(Too true!)

Doc: Do you exercise?

Me: I'm a runner. I run from my problems, I run late, and I run my mouth.

Life has never given me lemons.

It has given me anger issues, anxiety, and a serious dislike for stupid people.

But not lemons.

Did you know that if you garden in your backyard naked, your neighbors will build you a privacy fence for absolutely no cost to you?

Apparently, walking around WalMart with an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth yelling "THE VACCINE ISN'T WORKING" isn't funny.

My demons would make your demons their bitch.

Trouble is just fun you got caught having.

Ms. Jenkins, I said hold my CALLS!

Them: Maybe the problem is you.

Me: Oh, the problem is definitely me. Next question.

Apart from "life is short", what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Did you know that a candle flame smells like burnt nose hair?