6096 - Saturday jokes

I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47.

I wanted a second opinion so I went to self-checkout and my new total was $43.20.

These days, if it has "Liberty", "Freedom",  or "Patriots" in its name, rest assured it has little if anything to do with any of them.

The first thing that a cult does is convince you that everyone else is lying.

Someone just called my 9YO "gay" on Xbox and he responded with "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on". 

I don't always roll a joint,

but when I do it's my ankle.

I don't understand how some women have so many bridesmaids. 

I don't even like that many people.

I saw our neighbor at the store today.

So I asked her how her husband was doing.

I didn't know he died.

She said, "He's gone".

I thought she meant he'd gone on a trip.

So I said, "Why didn't you go with him?"

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian “kill” scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I’ll be removing mine A.S.A.P. to avoid any further confusion.

If a non-white Santa Claus makes you upset,

wait till you hear what Jesus looked like.

Shout out to all the married folk out there waiting for their spouse to fall asleep on the couch so they can watch what they really want to.

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you… they seem to get very upset.

If you think standing by our allies is expensive…

Wait until you see the cost of abandoning them.

You can't set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow isn't magical down there. It's terrifying and always leads to grocery store fights.

Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.

Pun in, 10 dead.

I got called "pretty" today! Well actually the full statement was "You're pretty annoying" but I only focus on positive things.

Son: Mommy how can you live without eating?

Mom: What do you mean? I eat every day.

Son: I heard Daddy tell his friend you haven't swallowed since college.

A 72hr hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.

It's officially "surprise in your coat pocket from last winter" season.

You know you're getting old when you run into your friends at the pharmacy instead of at the nightclub.

A blonde was driving her friend to the airport and turned around and went home because she saw a sign that said, Airport left.

Santa: And what do you want for Christmas little boy?

Little boy: Batteries for my mom so she quits taking them out of my toys.

I'm wondering how I can get my wife the perfect Christmas gift when she already has me.

I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

I love it when my pet sighs, like, what ails you, my little unemployed freeloader?

Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up. 

Her: If I had a penis, I would slingshot popcorn from my erection to my mouth.

And probably get thrown out of the theater.

You can be your own Secret Santa with tequila and Amazon Prime.

It's strange that there is a setting on every toaster to completely burn the bread.

My wife accidentally locked herself out of the house and I didn't hear her knocking until I finished eating the rest of her cheesecake.

Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, that I'm thinking of making a few more.

Oh, so when other people call their pets "fur baby" it's fine. But when I call a kid a "skin dog" somehow I'm disgusting and the worst pediatrician in the hospital?

Him: Honey, why did you marry me?

Her: Because of your sense of humor.

Him: I thought it was because I was good in bed.

Her: There you go again.

The seven dwarves of old age...

Nappy

Wrinkly

Squinty

Rocky (chair)

Saggy

Farty

Leaky

We have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"

Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

I don't drink or do drugs.

At my age, I can get the same effect by standing up too fast.

Think.

It's what you do when you can't thwim.

I AM SO OLD WHEN I WALK INTO A BAR THEY CHECK MY PULSE INSTEAD OF MY I D.

My friend Sarah accidentally left her Pepsi 60 miles south of Tampa.

That's the location of Sarahs soda.