6117 - Saturday jokes

Him: I was at the bar last night and this woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

Her: Ewwww.

Him: On a related note, I suck at darts.

Some people say the problem with Christianity is that is not taught in schools.

I say the problem with Christianity is that it's not taught in churches.

I'm working on a plot for a new television series. 

It's about attorneys with a secret weapon in the courtroom.

They refuse to wear deodorant. 

The title will be "Law and Odor".

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best BJ I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last BJ of my entire life."

Pickles are fantastic until you’re in one.

Whenever a Southerner tells me that it’s not ‘soda,’ it’s ‘pop,’ I always feel the need to ask them how many times they go to a bar and order ‘vodka and pop’?

If you identify a UFO as a UFO then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.

If you don't have something nice to say, post anonymously.

If a woman who had a double mastectomy doesn't wear a shirt, can she still be arrested?

I recently got an AM radio.

Now I need a PM one to listen to at night.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

At an egg funeral...

He died last fry day.

Thank God he wasn't beaten.

Don't worry, he went over easy.

He's on the sunny side now.

He's definitely in a better plate.

#whoremembers

If you first read that as "whore members", we're probably already friends.

Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murders...

What exactly is the plan if you find one?

"Welcome" mat at a front door...

Don't stop

Be leaving

To those that I have offended in 2023;

work on yourself so I don't have to do it again in 2024.

Being an introvert isn't easy. Imagine waiting for a reply without sending a message.

Him: I don't go out with married women.

Her: But I'm your wife!

Him: I make no exceptions.

That feeling when you realize the 90s were 30 years ago.

That feeling when you've been eating all day and you're not sure if you're disgusted with yourself or you want to finish strong with something sweet.

When she's standing at the guillotine and regrets saying she wanted a man that would treat her like a queen.

I like them thick as f**k.

But Sir Newton, we can't write that!

Then write this: The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

I told my kids the shoes on telephone wires are from kids who lied and got sucked up into space.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a Nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.

You have a bike for sale?

Yes, I do.

What's the lowest you'll go on it?

2 mph. Anything slower and you'll tip over.

National Geographic: Extremely rare white cougar highlights a quirk of the species.

Me: Can't be rare. The targeted ads say there are white cougars in my area waiting to meet me.

I don't like the look or feel of injected lips.

I just recently kissed a girl with them and it felt like I was kissing jello.

Fitness tip:

Stretching is important.

Stretch out flat on your back.

Stretch a blanket over your body.

Stretch your eyelids over your eyes.

Sad:

Chinese kid on Christmas.

Getting the same toy he made 5 hours ago.

Diet tip:

Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.

I was interviewed by the police today. To every question I said "No comment" I wonder why I didn't get the job?!

This too shall pass.

And then some other bullshit will come and takes its place.

It will never end!

Top reason why the house is not clean.

The dogs are alive.

My housekeeping style is best described as "there appears to have been a struggle".

Everything is venomous in Australia. If you go to Australia and bite yourself, you'll probably die.

Situation: She's face down on the mattress, rear in the air, and he's behind her doing his thing.

Then: He finishes off and then she hears, "That's all for today guys. Don't forget to like and subscribe".

Her: WAIT!!! WHAT???!!!

Seriously, I just can’t believe we don’t have World Peace after changing the names of pancake boxes & syrup bottles.

Wikipedia: I know everything!

Google: I have everything!

Facebook: I know everybody!

Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

Some friends and I stopped at Hooters for wings and beer. 

One of my friends asked, "Which waitress would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?"

I said, "The one that can fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."