6202 - Saturday jokes

I was disappointed to learn that the International Institute of Origami has folded.

They lost their contract with PaperView.

I came home from the pub and told my wife the postman had been boasting how he'd slept with every married woman on our street except one.

She said, 'I bet it's that Mrs Jacobs next door, the snobby cow.'

I heard that Aladdin was banned from racing flying carpets.

He was using performance-enhancing rugs.

DJT selling bibles is like MTG selling self-help books.

I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

You can’t fix stupid. But, you can sell it red hats, gold clown shoes, bibles, and worthless stock.

I went for a posh dinner. As I sat down next to a gentleman and his wife I lifted my leg and let out a little fart. The gentleman turned to me and said, “How dare you fart before my wife!” “Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” I said, “I wasn’t aware it was her turn!”

I sat next to the Duchess at tea,

It was just as I'd feared it would be.

Her rumblings abdominal

Were simply abominable

And everyone thought it was me!

If you don't stop what you're doing I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you.

Now that the eclipse is over, those glasses can be used for viewing FOX news.

I just got fired. But I didn’t even do anything!

So I interviewed for another job. The interviewer said he was looking for someone who was responsible.

I replied, “Well, I’m exactly who you want. At my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!”

Somehow, I actually got the job. They said they could pay me $25/hr right now and increase it to $35/hr in 12 months. “So when can you start?” they asked.

“In 12 months.”

I used to be a mime.

It's only now I can talk about it.

I think this ladder I'm on is unstab...

I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn't work.

I hope when I eventually choke to death on gummy bears, people will say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My reality check bounced.

Dear Coca-Cola Company:

No more new flavors.

Either add the cocaine back or leave it alone.

We squint at the sun because it's bright.

We squint at some people because they're not.

I watch so many crime programs when I turn off the TV, I wipe my fingerprints off the remote.

My Wife says I can be an idiot sometimes.

It’s nice of her to give me permission.

Due to current food prices, the 5-second rule has been extended to 15 seconds.

Cow farts are dairy air that comes from their derrières.

My dad has a weird hobby of collecting empty beer bottles.

Which sounds so much better than alcoholic.

I didn't know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...

I guess his first one was rocky, and his second was rocky too.

“Pour Some Sugar on Me” was playing while I grocery shopped and the sexual tension throughout the store was palpable.

I kinda wanna know what happened at this Airbnb that prompted them to list access to a defibrillator as a selling point in the description.

Adulthood is funny because one day you just start noticing if and when you’re pooping enough.