6224 - Saturday jokes

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. 

The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

If I were a plastic surgeon, I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Atheists choose to be good not out of fear of hell but because it’s the right thing to do.

Make your pancakes more awesome by referring to maple syrup as 'tree blood'.

Overheard at a used book store - “Shouldn’t Orwell’s ‘1984’ be in the non-fiction section by now?”

Women won't date a guy that lives with his mom but they will date a guy that lives with his wife.

Q: How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archeology instead of grave robbing?

As an archaeologist, I find this a very awkward question.

Answer the question grave robber!

What's an adult problem you weren't warned about?

Taking care of an aging parent wondering who was going to outlive who.

Adam: What's the worst career advice you've ever received?

Monica: An internship at the White House will be amazing on your resume.

Dad: Son, one day you'll be a man.

Son: Dad, I'm already 36.

Dad: But the Autozone guy had to change your wiper blades.

My dad showed me a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were pictures of me.

Our family was visiting a planetarium, and we watched a presentation about the moon.

At one point, footage of the first moon landing was shown. As the video played, the presenter asked the audience, “Does anyone know what the first words spoken from the moon were, and who said them?”

A young girl raised her hand and said, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind, spoken by Neil Armstrong.”

“That’s correct,” the presenter replied, “now who knows what was said next and by whom?” The theater was quiet for several seconds.

Then from somewhere behind us a voice called out, “Aaaaaaaand cut! Spoken by Stanley Kubrick!”

Don't glare at me, lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco and then yelled his name out in this store!

Thou shall not wear high heels if thy heels look like pizza crust.

Papa Johns 3:16

Fellas, if the relationship fails don't blame only her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

Each time I get a cold, my wife claims I’m unbearable. So, when I casually mentioned I might be coming down with a case of the sniffles, she sprinted out of the room, flung some clothes into a suitcase, hurtled the cat, and yelled over her shoulder that she was going to stay with her sister for the next seven days. My spouse fled in a matter of minutes.

A few seconds later, the deafening silence was broken by a thunderous, high-pitched, whistling honk as I blew my stuffy nose for the first time. Unfortunately, although misery loves company, I realized I would be facing this grim life-or-death struggle ALONE.

Noticing a slight tickle in my throat, I sadly shuffled off to grab a container of pistachio crunch ice cream to be consumed while lying on the couch as I desperately struggled to ease the growing suffering that would eventually render me completely helpless.

In sickness and in health. HA! I don’t think so!

Q: What candy do you eat on the playground?

A: Recess Pieces!

Mom: What's the magic word we use to get what we want?

Son: I'm offended.

When I'm at a hospital I put half-eaten sandwiches in coma patients hands to give their families hope.

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

Unlike the brain, the stomach warns you when it's empty.

Kid: “Dad why are you standing outside?”

Dad: “So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.”

My wife told me I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate so much. 

“Just you wait!” I said.

I hate it when people use physically impossible metaphors.

It really makes my blood boil.

What do you call a knight that is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

Why was the marble countertop sad?

Because it was taken for granite.

One day you are young. The next day you have to use strategically placed pillows to sleep so your body doesn't break in half.

I haven't panic cleaned for visitors in a while and it shows.

If every time someone asks you to do something, you quietly gasp and mumble, "Like the prophecy foretold", people will stop asking you to do things.

The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

I was pulled over by a cop and he asked me if I had a police record.

I said Roxanne.

If a guy wants either a short sleeve shirt or a bulbous herbivorous shallow water sea creature, give the manatee.

Mcdonald's is now offering 36-month 0% interest financing on all value meals.

I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it's ready.

Most people are shocked when they find out how little I know about electricity.

More women may be psychopaths than previously thought says the Guardian.com.

Yessss! I love to see more women in male dominated fields!

You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shutoff switch.