6229 - Saturday jokes

Thank you for your order from our sex shop.

You asked for the large red dildo as featured on our wall.

Please select another product as that is our fire extinguisher.

A new study finds that married couples have a higher chance of divorce than single people.

Yesterday I gave my food to a homeless person.........and today the homeless person gave me a book titled "HOW TO COOK".

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth,” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

At the library, I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she asked. "Yes," I said. "and little heads that go in and out."

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? 

Roman Catholic.

It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I run like the winded.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

If people don't like you, it's okay.

You only need to be concerned if dogs or cats don't like you.

My kid called me an old man this morning. We both laughed and laughed. Then I changed the WiFi password.

Sometimes when I read people's comments online, I really understand why there are shoes with velcro for adults.

I'm at that age that the next day my body whispers to me, "Please don't do that again".

Why is it spelled "camouflage" and not

I really think I deserve an award for the amount of sarcastic comments I manage to keep to myself on a daily basis.

Home buyers: We'd really like to look at something a little higher priced.

Agent: OK, I can show you this house again tomorrow.

It’s a strict law to turn headlights on when it’s raining in Amsterdam. 

Like I’m going to check to see if it's raining in Amsterdam every day!

I'm having people over to stare at their phones tonight if you want to come by.

You guys should see the stuff I don’t post.

So it sits in a folder labeled I think it’s funny but somebody will be offended.

While driving on road trips I could always get a laugh from the back seat when I’d say, “I dropped my tarantula back there, has anyone seen it?” 

I tried this on my first day as a bus driver, and got a very different reaction.

Stormy Daniels was not surprised Trump’s defense was small and didn’t last long.

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since.

I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a 

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night.

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered.

I thought, that's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.

If you spell the words “absolutely nothing” backward, you get “gnihton yletulosba,” which ironically means absolutely nothing.

People are climbing mountains & zip lining & I'm feeling good I got my leg through my underwear without falling down.

Him: How much for the gold circle of death?

Her: Sir, those are engagement rings.

When men refer to themselves as "alpha males" I hear that term in the context of software.

Alpha versions are unstable, missing important features, filled with flaws, and not fit for the public.

HOW TO PREPARE TOFU

Step 1. Throw tofu in the trash

Step 2. Fry some bacon.

Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone's garden.