6233 - Saturday jokes

The first 5 Florists I called from the internet knew nothing about flooring or carpet.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.

I started dating a TV weather girl.

It's nice to date a woman that's wrong most of the time.

Funny thing about getting older. Your eyesight starts getting weaker but your ability to see through people's BS gets much better.

You can choose to be the bigger person.

However, being the reason HR has made a new policy is much more exciting.

Are you eating Rice Krispies?

No, I'm getting out of bed!

Instead of a condom, I carry a moist towelette in my wallet.

I run into chicken wings more often than sex.

Help! I've fallen and I can't think of a reason to get up.

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

Me: Close enough.

My family told me to get help for my drinking, so I hired a bartender.

TO THE PERSON THAT STOLE MY SHOES WHILE I WAS ON THE BOUNCY CASTLE.

GROW UP!!!

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

I just need a few groceries from Costco.

Aaaaaand I bought a kayak and a TV.

That gasp you made when you thought your guitar collection fell off the wall was just your wife falling down the stairs.

Why is being an adult so expensive?

Like, I'm not even having a good time!

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

License plate...

PB4WEGO

Lance isn't a common name these days, but in medieval times,

they named boys Lance a lot.

Things that tell the truth...

Small children

drunk people

yoga pants

(I love the truth of yoga pants!)

My bank account noticing I'm a plant store again...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Knives talking at a party...

For the 100th time, I'm a cheese knife, that's what I do.

One day ima gonna to Malta to bigga hotel.

Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna me bitch!

Later I go to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!