6243 - Saturday jokes

I put an SSD hard drive in my computer. It will only take a couple of hours. HA!

Q: Why are IT guys such dicks?

It guy: I just drove two hours to push a power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.

I ate a clock yesterday.

It was very time-consuming.

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I imagine it was probably a printer.

Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell, with some of the following tortures...

You eternally have to wear socks while walking on a wet floor.

People pull in front of you on the highway and go really slow.

You're stuck behind a school bus for eternity.

No matter how many times you flip it, the USB plug won't go in.

Every time you enter your password, it is wrong, and when you try to change it you get an error message: new password can’t be same as old password.

You must spend eternity trying to use a self-checkout that constantly claims that there is something unexpected in the bagging area.

You're a scientist and have to listen to a flat-earther explain science to you.

Your belt loop gets stuck on every doorknob you walk by.

You constantly have a hair in your mouth that you just can't get.

At the supermarket, an old lady with $68 worth of groceries had her card declined!

Feeling generous and wanting to assist, I helped her put it all back!

She said she got my FATHER'S DAY gift waxed.. she must have gotten me a car!

Apparently this week there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Chick-fil-A, Fathers eat free on Father's Day.

If you're driving a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

You have $400. 

Your daughter texts she needs $200 and your son texts he needs $150. 

How much money do you have left?

Me: $400.

Just finished reading a book called: 'Fear of Sunlight'...

by Gladys Knight.

There was an ambidextrous shop up the road. 

At first, I thought it had closed. 

But I guess it's just changing hands.

I’ve reached the age where I can’t tell if I’ve sustained an injury or that’s just how I am now.

The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

If we get rid of all the margarine, the world will be a butter place.

I was at a fund-raiser where Yoko Ono said she’d sing until $25,000 was pledged. 

They met the goal before the first song ended.

From the pulpit: People can't change genders insists a man who believes Jesus can be a biscuit.

The company I drive for is installing driver-facing dashcams. Hope they're prepared for what they're gonna see.

Daughter: Mom, Dad, I'm 18 now. It's time to say goodbye and spread my legs.

Dad: It's wings, spread your wings!

Mr & Mrs Case are proud to announce the birth of their baby boy.

Justin.

My geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said No way.

I have an incredible gift for guessing what's inside a wrapped present.

It's a gift, I guess.

I asked my friend to sing a song about the iPhone.

And then Sam sung.

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

She said I'm sorry I ever married you.

When my father dies he wants his ashes pressed into a record.

It's his vinyl request.

People ask why I bring two pairs of socks when I golf.

It's in case I get a hole-in-one.

If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

Mom: Honey, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Daughter: A threat to the new world order.

Better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.

My husband is like a Rolls-Royce, smooth and sophisticated.

Mine is like a Porsche, fast and powerful.

Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going.

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I expected.

My wife came home from a trip and was impressed by my housekeeping until she found the dirty dishes hidden in the oven, the dirty laundry shoved under the bed, and the unused broom, mop, and vacuum sweeper stuffed in a closet.

My bride’s lack of appreciation for my efforts was unfortunate. But I learned a valuable lesson. I need to find better hiding places.