6264 - Saturday jokes

I'm not brave. I'm just past the age when running is an option.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball, and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are khakis."

As I've aged, I'm eternally grateful that I've gotten fatter instead of more politically conservative.

I'm at the age where not finding parking for an event is enough to make me go home.

I really think I deserve an award for the amount of sarcastic comments I manage to keep to myself on a daily basis.

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming. I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

Free Marriage Tip: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.

I've never tried yoga but have tried bending over to pick up my car keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

It's important to lock your car doors, especially now. Your friends, neighbors, and even strangers, will put free zucchini in your car.

My wife left me today. She says I put sports ahead of our relationship. We were together for 6 seasons.

There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note that said, "Don't eat me".

Now there's an empty plate with a note that says, "Don't tell me what to do".

“How do you sleep at night, knowing people don’t like you?”

Me: "With a fan on".

I hate that moment when you are tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed, your brain is like, "Just kidding".

I'm at that age when I go to the gas station if the pump tells me to go see the cashier I go to another gas station.

The problem is that the younger me never thought there would be an older me!

I thought growing old would take longer.

I thought the dryer made our clothes shrink. 

Turns out it's the fridge.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, that I'm thinking about making a lot more.

I love reading motivational posts from people I know are toxic in real life.

If we are in a “don’t laugh” situation, DO NOT LOOK OVER AT ME!

My wife keeps getting angry at me because I introduced her as my ex-girlfriend.

I try to be a good person but then someone pulls out in front of me doing ten below the speed limit and I gotta try again tomorrow.

I just asked myself if I was crazy and we all said no.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I'm still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

My housekeeping style is best described as 'there appears to have been a struggle'.

Always remember it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

There could be dozens of chameleons in your house, and you'd never know.

Some people call it multitasking.

I call it doing something else until I remember what I was going to do in the first place.

Amazon is going to start drone delivery.

Now we're going to have skeet shooting with prizes.

You think it's going to be okay, but then you leave your house and people are just everywhere.