6290 - Saturday jokes

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway, I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young.

So he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint.

It’s almost as if posting the Ten Commandments in Georgia schools didn’t do anything.

It's so sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at each other, smoking, lighting small fires, breaking car hood ornaments, shoplifting, and trying drugs. One time I drank gasoline.

(true ... I know a guy who was playing with flaming arrows with friends and they burned down a railroad trestle.)

Silly putty implies the existence of serious putty...

I believe that's called C4.

Stop blaming yourself for your problems. 

Learn astrology and blame the planets.

Still hope that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.

Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? 

Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

I finally know why they call me a grown-up.

I groan every time I get up.

If you live to be 100, you should make some fake reason why just to mess with people.

"I ate a pinecone every day".

Farted on the bus today and four people turned around.

Felt like I was on the Voice.

My kids laugh at me because they think I am crazy. 

I laugh at them because they don't know that it's hereditary!

I was always taught to respect my elders, but finding one keeps getting harder and harder.

OK, so naked running...

Apparently, this means running without GPS, music, or any other tech.

I wish I had known this about an hour ago.

When I look back on all the successes and failures in my life, I am grateful that at least the potty training stuck.

My keyboard space bar wasn't labeled. It is now. I call it "the final frontier".

Help me out I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, and Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane...See More

I’m organizing a walk for Fat Lives Matter starting at McDonald’s at 11am and finishing at KFC at 11:05am.

Does anyone know if the Christian Nationalist Senator Josh Hawley will be a guest speaker at the J6 Traitor Awards dinner? Perhaps Hawley can ask Trump why he didn’t pardon the traitors before he left office? After all, the rapist felon Trump pardoned other traitors.

I realized my parents played favorites when they asked me to help blow up balloons for my twin brother’s surprise birthday party.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I'll get a second opinion.

Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

This fella stopped me in the village this morning and said, "What a lovely part of the country you live in, have you lived here all your life"? I said, “No, not yet".

Unemployment jokes just don’t work.

Four years ago I asked my first Tinder match out on a date.

Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

The world is not full of assholes but they are strategically placed so you'll come across one every day.

Gary Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.

But Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

Adam: The McRib is back.

Eve: Stop calling me that!

Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?

Because their balls drop over their assholes and block the airway to their brain.

I was talking with Bill Withers and I said, “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone” was bad grammar.

He said, “I Know I Know I Know I Know I Know I Know".

I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

I'm currently reading a book called: 'Swimming the English Channel' ...

By Francis Neer

I'm at the age where it's considered rude to pull out a bottle of Tylonol if you don't have enough for everyone.

If they get much older I believe the Rolling Stones will start gathering moss.

Want to get noticed?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

I hate when people say "Bite me" and then act all surprised.