6307 - Saturday jokes

Me: We're going to go to a restaurant named Karma.

Friend: What do they serve there?

Me: Just desserts.

Daughter: Daddy, I want ice cream.

Dad: Believe me, me too honey. But Mommy only gave us enough money for 3 beers.

The case on my feather pillow ripped.

I’m feeling down.

If I truly posted what was on my mind. 

I’d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

The bar I'm at doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.

Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - John Rich

Nothing brings neighbors together like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

That feeling you get when you tell everyone on your social media page that you're taking a break and it gets the most likes you've ever had.

My dog and I have a lot in common: we both like sleeping, eating, and pretending we don’t hear anything.

I'm old enough to remember when paper bags were being blamed for the destruction of forests and plastic bags were the solution.

The dog ate my book report and an immigrant ate the dog. But I have a concept for a new book report.

Son: How does trickle-down work again?

Dad: First, the 1% gets all the money.

Son: And then what? 

Dad: That's it.

As a kid did you ever knock on people's doors and run away?

UPS is hiring.

I’m starting a procrastinator support group.

It’s called ‘wait watchers’.

I knew the psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. 

Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

Are you an "ARRR" pirate or a "YO HO HO" pirate?

I'm an "I'm not paying $600 for Photoshop" pirate.

I identify as sarcastic.

My pronouns are har/har.

A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

To be scientifically literate is to empower yourself to know when someone else is full of crap.

Patient: Doc, how often do people die during this procedure?

Doc: Just once.

You know it’s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws.

Why are threesomes only for sex?

Why can't I join in on a couples argument in public if I have a good point to make.

Just so you know, nothing accidentally goes in your butt.

   Sincerely,

      The ER staff

My talent is when you're angry I can make you even angrier.

Just because it's a bad idea doesn't mean it won't be fun.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Can you spell wonton backward?

Not now.

My wife said, "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't that embarrass you?"

I said, "Nope, I keep telling them it's for you."

Nurse: Step on the scale, please.

Me: I was told there'd be no fact-checking.