6352 - Saturday jokes

Curiosity never killed anything but a few hours.

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”

Edgar Allen Poe

“All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.”

Edgar Allan Poe

“If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.”

Edgar Allan Poe

I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.

Her: He died of natural causes.

Detective: You pushed him off a roof!

Her: Gravity is natural.

Just renewed my car insurance and the woman said... Before you go do you have any pets?

Me.. Yes I have a dog

Her.. Would you like to insure him?

Me... No he can't drive.

Just noticed that Facebook reaction buttons look like a relationship from start to finish.

A lion would never play golf.

But a tiger wood.

Boudreaux was brought himself in from dem field one day a Marie done meet him at de door an say, "Me, I got some good news a some bad news fo you." Boudreaux say,"Well, Marie, tell me dem good news firse." Marie say, "Well, dem airbag in yore new picking up truck work REEL good."

Wrapping presents is folding laundry's asshole cousin.

While checking out at Walmart with just a few items, I noticed the woman behind me placing her things on the conveyor belt, edging close to mine. To keep everything separate, I grabbed one of those divider bars and set it down between our purchases.

The cashier scanned my items and then, to my surprise, picked up the divider bar. She turned it over, inspecting it carefully, as if searching for a barcode.

When she couldn’t find one, she looked at me and asked, “Do you know how much this is?”

Without missing a beat, I replied, “You know what? I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll get that today.”

She nodded in complete seriousness and set the divider aside, moving on.

Behind me, the woman stifled a laugh, clearly amused. As I walked away, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d unintentionally nailed the punchline of the day.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food, and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.  She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".