6360 - Saturday jokes

I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it's ready.

I saw you in my dreams last night.

   Was I eating?

No.

   Wasn't me.

I set out to lose 10 pounds this month.

Only 15 to go!

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

Day 12 without chocolate.

Lost hearing in my left eye.

Do weights for muscle.

Cardio for heart.

Ice cream for mental health.

Doctor: Looks like you're pregnant.

Me: But I'm a guy!

Doctor: I said it LOOKS like you're pregnant.

I'm not fat. I'm swollen from all the hard hits life has thrown at me.

This year has been about personal growth. 

L to XXL.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Still trying to lose weight.

A woman stabbed her husband multiple times after finding explicit photos of "another woman".

It turned out that they were pictures of her 10 years before.

Last year went by so fast I didn't even have time to lose weight.

I've been on a diet for 2 weeks and I've lost 14 days of happiness.

Hello, 911? I can't stop eating!

The doctor had just given my Uncle Glover, a real man, a deep needle shot in his butt.  "Did that hurt?" inquired the doctor.

"Heck, no!" replied Uncle Glover.  "I ain't never been hurt but twice in my whole life".  "How was that?" asked the doc.

"I was hunting once," related Uncle Glover, a real man.  "Had to take a nature call right after dark, and sat in a bear trap."

"Gosh!" said the doctor.  "I bet that did hurt.  When was the other time?"

"When the slack gave out on the bear trap chain."

I was going to give up all my bad habits for the new year but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

What is your New Year’s resolution for 2025?

Mine is 2560x1440.

"Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."

That feeling you get when you want something to eat and all you have are ingredients.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals even called hallways?

Shouldn't they be called psycho paths?

A teenage boy walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

"Honey, do you want to get me in trouble?" said the waitress.

"Maybe later," said the boy.  "Right now I'd like a beer."

This sentence would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.

"Doctor," said the 80 year old man, "I would like you to examine me, to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Let me see your sex organ, please."

"Certainly," said the aged patient, then he stuck out his index finger and tongue.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.