6385 - Saturday jokes

Her: Help! I need a date for Valentine's Day.

Him: It's February 14th.

My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

Him: What can I do to make you happy.

Her: Let me stack donuts on it.

I was told that after a vasectomy I wouldn't have kids anymore.

Imagine my shock when I got home and they were still there.

Bullshit - not true

Dogshit - terrible

Horseshit - nonsense

Apeshit - angry

Batshit - crazy

The shit - the best

New name on a septic pump truck.

Turd Burglar

What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?

Wendy's.

A man shows up at the ER bloody and badly beaten.

"What happened?" asked the attending physician.

"Well, I was having sex with my neighbor on her kitchen counter when we heard the front door open. 'It's my husband,' she says. 'Quick! Try the backdoor.'

"I knew I should have left, but it's not often you get an offer like that!"

Stranger: Nice to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

2020: The Chinese are taking all our jobs!

2024: AI is taking all our jobs!

2025: Chinese AI is taking all our jobs!

I don't trust anyone who's not visibly stressed out right now.

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

Actually, it's only existentialism if it comes from the existentialist region of France.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling anxiety.

Amy: I can't believe it. First I'm diagnosed with dyslexia and now I have tiny tits.

Doctor: Tinnitus Amy, you have tinnitus.

Cop: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown.

Dispatcher: Copy that.

Cop: I'll try, but I'm not much of a dancer.

Grandma: I wonder if I'll slip and fall.

Kid: I wonder if I'll have school today.

Dad: I wonder if my car will start.

Winter Wonderland.

Every day there's a bike that tries to run over me.

It's a vicious cycle.

The only secure document in Washington, DC seems to be the Epstein client list.

I took a wrong turn and ended up in a nudist colony.

I ended up in the middle of no wear.

I’m currently reading a book on DIY house construction.

By Bill Jerome Holmes.

That feeling you get when you forget to shake the ketchup bottle and now there's ketchup water on your food.

Me: I need some help around here!

Also me: No, not like that. Here. I'll do it.

Floppy disks are like Jesus.

They died to become the icon of saving.