6443 - Saturday jokes

Interesting linguistic fact: if you spell the words “absolutely nothing” backwards, you get “gnihton yletulosba,” which ironically means “absolutely nothing.” (from Bilbo)

Flying the confederate flag...

Irony is telling people "go back to your country" while flying the flag of a country that doesn't exist in the country that defeated it.

We're about 3 lines deep into the "first they came for" poem.

It's not a very long poem.

Marjorie Taylor Greene...Federally funded school from age 3 to 20 doesn't sound like education. It sounds like indoctrination.

All at your expense.

By force in the form of taxes.

Keith Olbermann...

If there is one argument for federally funded education from 3 to 20 in this country it's how goddamned stupid you are Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Wheel of fortune puzzle...

*uck *e

*n the

a**

ton*ght

Answer - Luck be in the air tonight.

Well, I guessed that one wrong!

Everything MAGA feared about socialism has come true under runaway capitalism.

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

The female version of tea bagging is called a flappachino.

Q: How dd you meet your husband?

A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

And it was only after we got married that I realized he stutters.

(sing along)

If your happy

and you know it,

it's your meds.

I got the triple T...

Tattoos, Trauma, and a Talent for making bad decisions.

If I was a plastic surgeon I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

People are scared to say stuff but I'm not.

That's why only 3 people like me.

I'm broke but not like poor broke.

I'm classy type of broke.

I'm broque'.

Game show...

If you feel useless today, just remember that a guy used a lifeline for this...

.

Equal to roughly 746 watts, which animal-based unit is used to measure the rate at which work is done?

A: Horsepower

B: Donkeystrength

C: Llamathrust

D: Zebraforce

.

Audience answers...

A: 71%

B: 10%

C: 10%

D: 9%

.

Hopefully his friend wasn't one of the 29%.

And "the exact right words" often includes playing dumb so your doctor won't be offended as you gently lead them to the treatment you've researched/know more about than they do.

I think telling kids they'll have less toys for Christmas because of tariffs while you have yourself a multi-million dollar military birthday parade is kind of a dick move. But what do I know...

If you donate your $400,000 salary but spend $90,000,000 on an unnecessary military parade, you're in the hole $89,600,000.

If a little girl doesn't need 30 dolls, then billionaires don't need 20 cars, 2 yachts, and 10 homes.

90% of bald men still own a comb. They just can’t part with it. 

tRUMP wants to reopen Alcatraz and declared that foreign movies were a national security threat.

And Republicans are just going to pretend that he's not batshit crazy.

tRUMP got a gift basket with a note from new Canadian prime minister Mark Carney.

Note...

Our Mounties are red,

Our Labatt beer is blue,

I wouldn't be prime minister

if it wasn't for you.

Manufacturer recalls faulty shopping carts with 4 functioning wheels.

MAGA: The Fifth Amendment was written in a different time. The founders couldn't have imagined this many illegals in the country.

Using that logic: Shouldn't we ignore the Second Amendment because the founders didn't know about assault weapons and school shootings?

Doctor: Your son has the measles because he wasn't vaccinated.

Mom: I want a second opinion.

Doctor: You're an idiot.

McDonald's has the best coke. Let's argue!

Mexico has the best coke. Let's argue.

*Columbia has entered the chat*

My mom has trained her 5th grade class to respond to "hear ye hear ye" with "all hail the queen" followed by silence. I'm both appalled and impressed.

I have been lying to my cat for years. Anytime he meows at me, I say, "I know I know!"

But I don't know.

My goal is to be that old person everyone is afraid to take out in public.

I found that l have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but l really think it's the vodka.

Who here is old enough to remember using a pencil to rewind a cassette tape?

I always see more people walk into Walmart than out of Walmart, but the meat is cheap, so I don't ask questions.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored so they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

If there were a pill to cure procrastination, I would probably take it tomorrow.

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a “sh” sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

I just paid my taxes.

The roads should be fixed any day now.

If you access corporate email on a personal device that can be unlocked with FaceID, you must change your face at least once every sixty days.

You may not use any of your most recent 12 faces.

Please contact the technical support desk if you have forgotten your face and need help resetting it.

I think I was born irritated. There's no way people should get on my nerves this much.

If drinking energy drinks causes short term memory loss.

Just Imagine what drinking energy drinks would do.

Did you know that laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life while laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten it.

Unfortunately some people were not put here to evolve.

They are here to remind you what it looks like if you don't.

Who the hell was the first person to look inside an oyster and think 'hmm... that big piece of snot looks delicious!