6492 - Saturday jokes

At this age, I've come to accept that I will never be old enough to know better.

I hate it when doctors ask questions like, "Are you sexually active?"

Depends on what you me by active.

There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven't gone off in 50 years.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender asks him "What brings you to Canada?" The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot". (John)

Survival Tip:

If zombies attack, go to Costco. There are cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies.

Plus, zombies can't get in without a membership.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. 

Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

I think I'm worth every headache I give my girl.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. 

He said, "I can't pick a favorite. I love you kids equally!"

Why tell me to press 1 for English, then transfer me to someone who barely speaks it?

Do not unfriend people because they have different views than you. 

Annoy them until they unfriend you.

Be the adult here.

Sometimes I talk to myself and we both laugh.

Don't put your drama on social media and then tell us to mind our business. 

Listen, I'm on season 3, episode 4 of your nonsense.

Her: What was that noise?

Me: My shirt fell.

Her: It sounded louder than that.

Me: I was in it.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!

This bill collector called me saying, "Your bill is now a year old." 

I said, "Tell it Happy Birthday," and hung up.

My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.

I DID A PUSH-UP TODAY.

WELL, ACTUALLY I FELL DOWN.

BUT I HAD TO USE MY ARMS TO GET BACK UP SO... YOU KNOW, CLOSE ENOUGH.

Scientists have created a dolphin with legs. 

Animal rights groups want the legs removed. 

Scientists argue that would defeet the porpoise.

If you feel lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember, you can always change your birthday on Facebook.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. 

If he was living in a trailer, it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. 

I needed a running start, but I made it.

Thinking back to when a new hip joint meant someplace I wanted to go on Friday night.

Well, it's August and over 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now.

Wife: "I'm pissed".

Husband: "Again or still?"

I used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

I went for a job interview at UPS. I said, "Sorry I'm late, I went to the wrong address" - and they made me regional manager.

Kid *watching someone ride an elephant*: "How do you get down from an elephant?" 

Dad: "You don't. You get down from a Goose!"

My post about rice cakes was removed for being tasteless.

It’s never too late to be what you want to be..

unless you wanna be younger, then you’re screwed.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

My bank has informed me that Facebook friends cannot be used as references for a car loan.

You guys are useless.

I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist, and now she wants to talk to all of you.

If you feel lonely, dim all of your lights and watch a horror movie. After a while, it won't feel like you're alone anymore.

 

I once dated a one-legged girl who worked in a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My toxic trait is that I assume people have common sense then get mad when they don't.

Life hack: Missing sock? Buy all your socks in one color. Problem solved. (I did that.)

Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.

I was supposed to get older and wiser, but I'm just getting older and wider.

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me miss, those are my balls you're holding."

"I know", she said sweetly. "So let's be very careful not to hurt each other, OK?"

England sent their religious nuts to America and their criminals to Australia.

Aussies got the better deal.

The difference between millennials and boomers?

Taylor Swift writes songs about all her ex's.

Stevie Nicks made her ex play guitar while she sang songs about what an asshole he was.

And today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me.

Who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

I went on a date with a guy last night. "Do you have any kids?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." He said, "I know how many one is."

For one glorious moment, I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out to be a false alarm - the drawstring on my sweatpants came untied. (Bilbo)