6335 - Saturday jokes

Home schooling update:

My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year."

Steve Hofstetter:

Donald Trump's approval ratings have fallen so hard, it's like they were pushed down the stairs and buried at a golf course.

Dog:

We were wolves once, wild and wary, stealthy and cunning.

Then we noticed you have couches.

I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

I just had a thought, but unfortunately, I had a second thought. They ricocheted off each other and now I can't find either one. (Bilbo)

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken.

Someone just called, sneezed, and hung up.

I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

This is the movie ALIEN's synopsis from a Hong Kong bootleg DVD.

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Space ship people get up from sleeping coffin and have eat. Computer woman find strange noisings on plant and astronauts go to seeing. Astronauts find big elephant man who dead then find too many eggs.

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Astronaut is possess by egg demon and new egg demon is come when eat bad noodle. Seven friends and cat all try to find egg demon before space ship go home but is hard working.

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Who will life to escaping? Who is bad milk blood robot. Scream not working because space make deaf.

I hate getting up at stupid o'clock in the morning.

95% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying works!

Welcome to fall where no matter what you pick to wear, you're wrong.

When your spouse explains all the drama at work and it definitely sounds like they're the problem but you have to be supportive.

In my next life I'm coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality BS.

Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won't help tooth decay. No weirdos please.

A friend is terrified of heights. His wife bought him some socks but he couldn't wear them - too thick.

I dreamt that I was a medieval spy.....

Sir Valiance.

A truck carrying thousands of copies of thesauruses overturned and spilled its load this morning. Onlookers were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Me: *saves document on the computer*

Computer: Document saved!

Me: Where is it?

Computer: Where's what?

What color is wind?

Blew.

Me: I'm sad. I need a purpose.

My brain: Did you say purchase?!

There are two levels of clean in my house.

1. Not clean.

2. It's better than it was.

I think ghosts are just people who died trying to fold a fitted sheet.

Body lotion makes Bill Gates skin microsoft.

In my experience, adulthood is mostly piling stuff up on flat surfaces and then eventually having to clean off those surfaces. (or not)

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one. But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I decided that if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for me. (I'll take her!)

Many people believe in ghosts, but what I want to know is, do ghosts believe in us - or just other ghosts?

I am quick to identify Ghosts.....

I know as soon as they walk through the door.

I don't care about men transitioning to women.

I'm much more concerned about republicans transitioning to nazis.

Two men wearing more makeup than their wives just stood on stage and lectured 800+ military generals on how to be “real men.”

Generals and Flag Officers sat there thinking, "This is the DUMBEST son of a bitch on the planet."

Which one were they talking about? Take your pick.

Best moment of Hegseth's speech was when he became emotional talking about the warrior ethos and his mascara ran.

I wonder how Pete Hegseth feels about fat presidents?

Trump Orders Bondi to Prosecute UN Escalator.

Christian nationalism is the American Taliban.

"How about we all come together and say, ‘Let’s stop attacking pedophiles.'”

— Sen. Ted Cruz (R- TX).

And if THAT isn’t the Freudian slip of the century; idk what is.

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Its called balance.

You really want to piss off all your friends at the end? Have a destination funeral.

This fella stopped me in the street this morning and asked me why I was carrying a 9 foot book?

I said: "It's a long story".

I've joined a new dating site.

It's called carbon dating.

Guy: I've got ants!

Other guy: Yeah but my ants are taller than yours.

Guy: Well, I've got a tube of glue.

O guy: And I have an entire tin of glue.

Guy: I've got bread!

O guy: Argh, you win! I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants.