6698 - Saturday jokes

OBAMA 2028!

Since rules don't exist anymore.

“GOP leaders are now divided between the fearful and the deluded - between those who have lost their nerve and those who have lost their minds.” (Michael Gerson) (Bilbo)

THE DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE RETIRED. EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK. I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT DAY IT IS. (John)

To every woman who wants to repeal the 19th Amendment:

Quit your job, close your bank account, cut up your credit cards, surrender your property, and ask your husband for permission to speak. Live the miserable little fantasy you're trying to force on everyone else.

OUR BEST HOPE IS THAT TRUMP IS TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ROBERT KENNEDY, JR.

Why are there poptarts,

but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.

Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more

connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these

connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly

unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. (Kathy)

If the phrase: "GET OFF THE COMPUTER, I NEED THE PHONE",

makes perfect sense to you, you're officially old.

What do you see when aliens get diarrhea?

Mysterious crap circles.

Did you guys know that the first drag queens in recorded American history all got together and wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Him: Your mom is as healthy as a horse. She'll be out of the hospital soon and moving in with us.

Her: I don't understand. The doctor told me yesterday that Mom was dying.

Him: I don't know what he told you, but he told me to prepare for the worst.

How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion?

By telling them it's been cancelled. (Kathy)

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons? 

A melon collie.

How does a burger introduce his wife? 

Meet Patty.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed.

Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday

School class, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale and gave all my money to

the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the

yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to

Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy

shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"