6703 - Saturday jokes

AT MY FUNERAL PLEASE TAKE THE BOUQUET OFF MY COFFIN AND THROW IT INTO THE CROWD TO SEE WHO IS NEXT.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THE FIRST PERSON TO DISCOVER MILK?

WHAT WERE THEY EVEN DOING?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU COULD STRANGLE PEOPLE WITH YOUR PHONE?

THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

ONE MINUTE YOU'RE YOUNG AND CAREFREE, AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'RE CLEANING YOUR HOME TO THE MUSIC YOU USED TO DRINK TO.

THE OLDER I GET, THE MORE I UNDERSTAND WHY ROOSTERS SCREAM TO START THEIR DAY.

SO ... ABOUT THESE MURDER HORNETS.

DO I SEND THEM MY LIST OF NAMES OR WHAT?

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I KNOW PEOPLE OLDER THAN YOU WHO ARE STILL ALIVE.

DOES EVERY HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE HAVE THE SAME PLOT?

YES.

WILL I STILL WATCH EVERY ONE OF THEM THIS SEASON?

ALSO YES. (NO)

IF YOUR GRANDMA GOT RUNOVER BY A REINDEER, YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO COMPENSATION.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES A HALF-ASSED JINGLER.

THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND.

QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICE, BUT I APPRECIATE IT.

FINALLY GOT ONE OF THOSE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PETS.

IT'S A CHICKEN.

IT'S CRISPY.

IT ALSO CAME WITH A BISCUIT.

I've been to a lot of places, but I've

never been in Cahoots. Apparently

you can't go alone, you have to be

in Cahoots with someone. I've also

never been in Cognito, either. I hear

no one recognizes you there. I have,

however, been in Sane. They don't

have an airport, you have to be

driven there. I have made

several trips. (John)

I couldn't get a reservation at the library. 

They were completely booked.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. 

She gave me a hug.

I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia. 

She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

I don't suffer from insanity. 

I enjoy every minute of it.

NOBODY PREPARES YOU FOR THE

PART OF YOUR 60S WHERE YOU'RE

SIMULTANEOUSLY TRYING TO BUILD

MUSCLE, LOSE FAT, PROTECT YOUR

KNEES, FIX YOUR HORMONES, EAT

150G OF PROTEIN, AND REMEMBER

WHY YOU WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN.

BUT HERE WE ARE. (John)

Someone asked if I was ready for the fall and it took me a second to realize they meant autumn and not the total collapse of society.

I FINALLY REALIZED THAT PEOPLE ARE PRISONERS OF THEIR PHONES. 

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED "CELL" PHONES.

The FCC approved SpaceX’s 15,000-satellite mobile network. 

Soon the Big Dipper will have to squeeze between satellites like a Buick in a Costco parking lot.

A mechanic asked me if I’d ever rotated my tires. 

How does he think I got there?

Politics- it's so silly, man.

I think it really shows that, like, we never grow up.

Like, I had a friend in middle school who would keep a chocolate milk from the cafeteria in his locker for months just to see what would happen to it.

He called it chunklate milk. He was awesome.

And the whole point was just to see how fucked up and awful it could get if you just never threw it away.

And now they're doing that same thing to Mitch McConnell.

McConnell's the chunklate milk of the Senate.

The first ballot question should be "do you think schools are performing secret sex changes" and if you answer yes your entire ballot is invalidated based on incapacity.

Got my flu shot today.

Feeling a touch autistic.

Might have transgender surgery later.

Let's have a moment of silence for all the guys who lost their girlfriends in the Russian data center attack.

Voting is like driving.

To go forward, select D.

To go backward, select R.

My favorite part of grocery shopping is stopping in the Oreo section just to see what those weird little freaks are up to.

I read today that 5 inches of fat can stop a bullet. 

So I'm not fat, I'm bulletproof.

My wife said, "Come at me like a purse snatcher. I want to try something."

What she should have said was, "I bought a Taser ... "

I'm not lazy - I'm in power saving mode.

I'm on a dating diet. I only eat girls I already know.😁

The key to aging gracefully is to lie about your age.

Also, don't let anyone take your photo.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.

I have to exercise early in the morning (HA NOT!) before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.