439 - Found some jokes

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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Dyslexics of the world, untie!
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A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and ........... a packet of peanuts." The barman says "Why the big pause?"
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On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. His smirk looked more like a grimace as he told her: "I'm in deep doo-doo over 9/11—we’re heading for a Constitutional crisis and treason trials. But you folks over here, you have been running a nice stable monarchy for centuries. How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That’s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."

When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?”

Blair replied, "That’s easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?”

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!" "No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
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Two nuns are driving their car one day, when suddenly the devil jumps onto the hood of their car.
Nun1: Oh no, sister, what do we do?
Nun2: Quick, show him your cross.
Nun1 leans out of window and yells: “Hey, you f--king idiot, get off our car!”
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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint … my … house."
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A very orthodox Jewish father was talking to his son. "Father", he said, "I'd like to go to Israel. I have never been and I have been wanting to go for years." The father decided to let his son go. A month later, his son calls and says, "Father, I converted to Christianity and am going to Italy with my friends." The father got extremely upset and went to his best friend, a rabbi, for advice. "David", he asked, "why did my son do this?" The rabbi replied, "You know what? My son did the exact same thing! Next time I am in temple I will ask God." The rabbi went to temple and prayed to God. "God, my son went to Israel and became a Christian. Why did this happen?" God replied, "You know what? My son did the same thing!"
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The manager of an office wants to motivate his staff so he puts up a sign saying "THINK" above the basin in the staff restroom. Upon returning he finds a new sign above a dispenser saying "THOAP".
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Three kings whose countries border each other finally get sick of constantly being at war, so they agree to each send their best knight to fight it out, may the best man win.

Knight #1 turns up and his squire is amazingly busy all through the night, polishing armor, sharpening swords, cooking dinner, and so forth, while the knight rests up for the big day tomorrow.

Knight #2 arrives and keeps his squire frantic, what with checking the saddle over and cooking him up a lavish spread. That squire also is hard at work until daybreak.

Knight #3 slouches in around three in the morning. His squire doesn't bother with polishing anything. His only acts are to heave a rope over a tree branch, form a noose at the end, attach a big cauldron to the noose, chuck a random assortment of veggies and chunks of meat in to make a stew, and hoist that sucker way up high before building a fire under it. Breakfast will be ready in the morning, and the squire calls it good and goes to sleep. The other squires take this in with considerable envy, but tell themselves that any knight with such a rotten squire will at least be easy for their knights to beat.

Come the morning, and the battle begins. To everyone's surprise, within 3 minutes, the knight with the lazy squire has beaten the snot out of the other two. Well, you know - the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to both of the squires of the opposing sides.
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"How long do I have to live, doctor?"
"I'd say ten...."
"Ten what? Weeks, months, years?"
"....Nine...."

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Link - The source and the rest
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