973 - Me shopping?

Bandit sent me this one. I think it's a joke floating around the net right now. But after I read it I thought this could be a 'things to do' list. I could do some of these with no problem.

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WHY MY WIFE WONT TAKE ME SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Smith,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 16: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 3: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 8: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 20: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

5. August 5: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 15: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 18: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 24: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 5: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 12: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 4: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 7: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 19: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'



It wasn't until I typed the date that I realized what day it is this month. The real thing!