3238 - Saturday jokes

Little Timmy lived in Flint
But little Timmy is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was PbSO4


Trump's wives were immigrants, proving the adage true...
Immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do.


My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper, ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’


Self-absorbed people are the worst. They're always thinking about themselves when they should be thinking about me.


I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Say what you want about deaf people...
I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.


Two older couples were having breakfast...
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


Two silkworms were in a race.
They ended up in a tie.


What is a chinese homosexual videogamer called?
Gay Ming.


The local United Way office realized it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
A fundraiser called him up and said, "Sir, our research shows that you have an income of over $600,000, but you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to your community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is dying form a long illness and her medical bills are several times her income?"
The volunteer said, "No sir, I apologize, we didn't realize..."
The lawyer continued: "And that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The caller was about to apologize further, but the lawyer continued: "And my sister's husband was killed in a car accident, leaving her penniless, with three children!?"
The United Way rep was aghast and just said, "I'm so sorry."
The lawyer continued: "And I don't give any money to them. So why should I give any to you?"


War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.


The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”


Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...? What the hell were they so excited about?


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.
She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.


The problem with telling lawyer jokes is lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.


Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?