3755 - Friday jokes

Is a rivalry between two vegans still called a beef?

Love your enemies. It makes them so mad.

To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you. Love, The Floor.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Some days, you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

Stop worrying about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

I’ve had a horribly busy day converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

List of things that I don't have time for: