3812 - Saturday jokes

Yo mama's so ugly, people break in her house to close the curtains.


A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.


I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.
She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.
Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.


My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"


A woman in a jewelry store farted while bending over looking at a beautiful diamond ring. She looks around embarrassed and sees the salesman standing behind her. Totally professional he say, "Good day madam how may I help you?" Hoping maybe he hadn't heard her accident she ask, "Sir what's the price for this lovely ring?" He answered, "Madam, if you farted by just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."


My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type.
He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.


I was going to check into rehab.
But then I realized I'm not a quitter.


My wife texted, "I'm leaving you"...
And followed with, "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back, "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message, "-searching and resume building."


Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.


My spouse died and I won the lottery.
The genie says I only have one wish left.


There was a demonstration by homeless people in my town today.
They were demanding change.