4943 - Saturday jokes

 

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

I named my two dogs Timex and Rolex.

They're my watch dogs.

People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

The husband says to his wife, “I was talking to the mailman earlier, he said he’s banged every woman on this street except for one”. The wife says, “I bet it’s Claire”.

Never let anyone tell you what you can or can not do. Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But did he listen?

I told my gf that I had a crush on Beyonce!

She said to me, "Whatever floats your boat".

I said, "No that's Buoyancy".

My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9-inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says, “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks, “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said, “I knew I could trust you.”

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

Guy wants a divorce from his wife and is standing in front of the judge. "She hit me your honor, and I had to go to the hospital for a concussion."

She says to the judge, "I hit him because he called me a 2-bit whore"

The Judge asked her what she hit him with.

"A bag of quarters".

Having some areas in pandemic lockdown, and others not in lockdown, is like having a pissing section in a swimming pool.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is a lack of taste.

I met a girl named Nobody.

I told her, people have said she’s loved me since the day I was born.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

What do you call someone who always states the obvious?

Someone who always states the obvious.

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink." The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe Pa?" The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no, just past your eyes."

A blond asked her milkman for some extra milk to take a milk bath. The milkman asked, "Do you want that pasteurized?"

"No", she replied, "just up to my tits, please."

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually, he fired all of them.

In Iran, everyone is very afraid of spiders.

But in Iraq no phobia.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house", he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church", he says. "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one", the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".

My girlfriend loves dick jokes.

She always laughs at mine anyway.

My girlfriend just found out about my ASMR fetish.

I came as soon as I heard.

Just saw a heap of blackbirds stuck together.

They were velcrows.

A mother starts breastfeeding her baby in a park.

A man notices and asks the woman, "Your baby looks healthy, what do you feed it?"

Woman: "Breastmilk and orange juice"

Man: "Which side's the orange juice?"

Totally sick of idiots still setting off fireworks. It’s October for goodness sake!

The dog is going crazy and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills.

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill.

Why does the letter C, sound different in feces and defecate?

Don't ask me. I don't know shit.

What do you call a cute doorbell?

Adoorabell.

Have you seen that one movie?

A young man grows up in the Dutch mob and works very hard to advance himself through the ranks of cheese making. He enjoys his life of money and luxury, but is oblivious to the horror that he causes. A cheese addiction and a few mistakes ultimately unravel his climb to the top.

I think it's called Goudafellas.

Short answer, No.

Long answer, Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs remake.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.