4994 - Saturday jokes

I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I hate when people say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him".

They might as well just say, "He's an asshole, but you'll get used to it".

I got called 'pretty' today. Well, actually the full statement was 'pretty fucking annoying'. But let's focus on the positives!

For anyone else that's getting coal for Christmas, maybe we can link up and get a grill going.

2020 keeps walking back in the room saying, "Did I hear 'HAPPINESS' in here?"

2020 feels like we're all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

2020 winter's coming. There's no such thing as flammable snow is there? 

I saw a book, How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought TWO of them!

A Macaroni, a Penne, and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

What do you call a hooker who only works for spaghetti?

A pasta-tute.

What do you call it when a hooker farts?

A prosti-toot.

My sister didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta. Pasta la vista baby!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died...

and then I heard it a few seconds later.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach on the English channel.

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breaststroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight.

"What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait. Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view.

Once on dry land, the Brunette asked the blonde, "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the indignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

I went to a sad wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

The government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties. It says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Who the hell knows 8 people without any problems?

Who’s Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O’Furniture.

A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina. So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination.

“I’m sorry, Miss,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate, and expensive surgical operation.”

“I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman. “But while I'm here could you just replace the batteries?”

The gyms must remain open.

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press.

I know I'm getting old, but not to brag, I just went into another room and remembered why I went in there. Granted, it was the bathroom, but still...

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

In 2021 I'll create a business called “Resolutions”.

It'll be a gym for the first two weeks of the year, then a bar for the rest.

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.

And now I'm under arrest for assaulting the optician.

A child walks past the parents' bedroom, looks inside, and mumbles, "And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking."